Weekends half done

Tomorrow is my last day of vacation (exile) its been okay, i feel like i've slept alot but if i check my fitbit thats not the case.

The gas seems to have gone mostly, which has been nice... i need to do some errands tomorrow, but I dont feel like it... also the leak is leaking again..

These last 9 days have not been as bad as last christmas in terms of depression, but its more in a i dont really care about much kind of way... than a i should kill myself kind of way... eh i suppose this is better than that then...

Odd, sorta?

I'm laying here at 3am. Started AHS Cult (which is excellent, 3 ep left)... Which is why I'm still up. I've also had gas\have felt like I had to burp slot the past few days. Thought it was the pizza, but none today... it's weird. But I got McD's for dinner with soda and that seemed to help but back to water and the gassy feeling, super weird right? I half hope it's a heart attack coming for me, I mean I've gained back like 30 lbs since Julyish. I wouldn't be so lucky though..... Going to try and sleep now. Had almost a full neuro so I'm a little heavy lidded & Twix has come back to cuddle at my feet.... G'night

trip...

tomorrow i fly out to LA for the work conference... i'm fairly disinterested in it but i'm going.... Twix needs to not tear apart the house while I'm gone and be good while left on his own... this is his first time home alone w/o Fenway... I'm sure he'll be fine but he's a little more clingy than Fenway ever was.... but i was nervous when i left him the first time after Ty died too....

today I napped

Today wasn't really a great day.... I so dont want to deal with people and I"m not looking forward to this trip, but damnit I'm going... I'm not looking forward to having a week of for Thanksgiving and not going anywhere... because I cant do two trips back to back... its too much

The batteries in the cat feeder need to be changed or something, I just dont want to deal with any of it.. if it all came crashing down around me I'd hope that the biggest thingat the top took me down with it and out...

Anyway I came home feeling shitty and I took a nap... trinity even 'cuddled' with me.. sorta she stayed up on the couch and lay by my feet in Twix's spot.. he wasnt super happy but he just went to be king of the laundry pile so it wasnt so bad... I woke up less irritable then when I lay down, but I'm still not what you'd say is ok... and I just I dont want to do it anymore.. I just dont... like I really want to just quit and run away or something I'm terrible at adulting... mom asked what i want for christmas, and what i really want is just some help... non-judgemental help me out... but i dont either... i am still firmly in the i created this mess i should fix it camp but I have less and less motivation lately to do anything about it...

¯\(°_o)/¯

So at group tonight it was a see how you can make cristine more social night... and its like its not that i 'dont' want to be social but i dont because there are other things involved... like people ask to come over and people cant come over then they get all why not and weird... so no... its more complicated thatn it would seem on the surface...

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I dont know I feel like I need to write something but I have no real direction to which to say anything right now... i'm just kind of all over the place and at the same time stuck...

I"m going to CA for a conference with work next week... I'm not actually looking forward to it... I'm going because I should... but I dont know I mean I'll probably be fine once I"m there as always but you know everything still kinda sucks... went to training on Thursday for work downtown which i was dreading for no real good reason, just didnt want to go and etcetera... but it was fie once i was there... though I did opt for the $19 parking instead of the $8 because i just didnt want to deal with it...


now my garage kinda smells like apples.. theres a seeping and that stupid mold but not mold whatever it is.. that it does die when you spray it with vinegar i think i just didnt catch it all and thats why the apple like smell or whatnot

also i dont think i'm going to make it that much longer... i have some things planned out in the distance like the code8 premiere and stuff but i dont know i want to but then again i kind of dont care anymore either... also erica's pregnant again... so there's a whole new niece/nephew to consider do they need me to be in their consciousness... ellie's only 1 so i mean she wont ever really remember me... why cant I have some terminal illness i deserve it.. i'm staring at twix while i type because its just stream of consciousness and he's looking at me funny probably wondering why i'm staring at him and typing like people do at work when i look at them while they talk and just continue typing whatever i was typing in the first place.. i cant do that on the phone though its kinda weird...

my left thigh is all scabs from scratching because i'm depressed but not but sorta and anxiety but nt its weird... like i was totally depressed a couple weeks ago really thought about ending it seriously for the first time in a while but i need to do things right... like estate wise and obviously the other thing too... i'm also nervous about leaving twix home alone for the conference; first time he'll be alone w/o fenway.. and he's a clingyish cat... not quite as independent as the other boys were... but i hope he'll be fine i mean he'll have to be right... no other choice...

i do sometimes wish i could tell someone what shit happens but its really not their problem and as much as i'd like help i dont think i could ever accept it... also .... its i'm just not doing it.. i'm not doing it right... anything, life, love HA nope not even close there... i'm just tired i suppose you can say...

i posted to code8/Stephen/Robbie about the missing jersey; both Stephen &  Robbie said they'd look into it; Robbie even said if they cant fix it he'd send me his personal one... but thats not why i did it; i'd rather everyone else get their jerseys too; i dont think any have been sent out..

i also kinda wish i could effectively use group sometimes; i mean i did admit i was feeling shitty and moderately suicidal a few weeks ago but anymore than that is still hard; i dont want anyone to worry; i also dont want anyone to know what a shitty homeowner i am with the leak.... and i cant explain to normal people, and i know group is a bunch of people with similar issues, but sill .. cant explain why i haven't gotten it fixed... i've said before here about i dont trust people to come fix just that; also its just liek i feel like i'll get in trouble.. ya know? makes zero sense I know but ... ugh

this is really long isnt it i should stop but i think it was nice to write out some stuff haven't done it in a good while so i think i needed it.. it does help when i do... i just have to have the desire and the something i dont know what the word is right now while i'm typing looking at twix that i wanted to say but you get it... ok thats it for now

Add one more

The universe just keeps shitting on me

The Sounds of SIlence

I've pretty much sat in silence most of today, my hearing aid is without speaker so I havn't bothered; I dont feel like doing much of anything, though I did manage to truck the laundry down and put a load in... why cant some disease just befall me and kill me like it did Fenway... seriously I"m such a waste

And the hits keep coming

I feel like crap today... I kind of just dont want to do it anymore... I mean I dont know what to do anymore either....

So Dad's closing the store for 'health reasons' ... he's having an ablation Monday so I'm wondering if he's downplayed the afib issue?

Got an email from work today they're changing the benefits provider to Cigna for everything, none of my mental health providers are in network, and Margaret is retiring; have I told you that? Yeah so group is probably ending and since I dont see her in network anymore I'm not sure what its worth...


Garage leak, had been repaired, now dripping.... also I think its the guest toilet, the bowl seems to be losing water now... I fucking hate my life... this means amajor repair likely & since im a fuckup i probably cant use homeowners, not that i deserve to anyway

ALSO (new for Friday) My hearing aid speaker died in the other hearing aid... so lovely

Fenway

I had to say goodbye today... it was so much harder than Piman or Ty... who both gave me months of warning to prepare... not this guy... 💔

HVFF was a blast

I had a great time this weekend at HVFF, the Nocking Point party was exceptional. I had fun. There are always things I wish I said or forget or whatnot but overall good time.

My feet are super sore, my arms are sore for some reason and my feet a a smidgen swollen but gettign better, a day of rest tomorrow should do good, though I do need to get groceries. Robbie checked on my jersey since it didnt come in time and they said they were mailed late last week, so i should get it sometime this week... which makes me kind of want to go to Atlanta and do the photo op I was denied... but is it worth it? I dont know yet but it was SUCH a good idea... I feel like it needs to be done...

You know whats odd, several people said I looked 'so happy' in my photos, and I had a great time... its easy to be happy, or look happy or whatnot when you're literally outside of your day to day life and not having to worry about it (or actively ignoring it) but I'm back now and life still sucks...

I think I may check out the water walking/water aerobics at the community center schedule, which is at the elementary school pool tomorrow night... since i have the day off.... it'd be a good time to check it out i think..

2 weeks til HVFF

Its been a while since we last spoke... things have been super busy at work, like ridiculously busy... my niece had her first birthday and i took the week and headed down to see her, i got back 7/7 had a weekend to myself and went back to work the 10th... and I worked literally every day until my first legitimate full day of no work on 8/6... this is my 2nd full weekend (a long one too) off since then... so its been a bit crazy...

Before then I won a signed jersey from Code8... never do I win things.. so it was cool..... I'm really hoping it comes before HVFF ... i'm having a hard time getting excited about going this year... i'm going but its like hard to plan at event activities... and photo ops etc... i dont know... like i WANT to have fun but I'm afraid I wont, and the fact that is literally nearly sold out is kinda anxiety inducing... well Saturday IS sold out, Sunday has like 50 or so tickets left or something like that...

Also the a/c broke in my car, but its been nice out so I havnt yet called to get it fixed, i really should have it fixed before driving to Jersey.... ugh...

Its fucking hot

There is a bit of a heatwave this week... its not July, the a/c isnt on... maybe its making me irritable... but I've ad it with a bunch of shit.... the leak in the garage can go fuck itself... the insanity at work can do the same.... the animals are all low key now but thats because they're hot

The code8 campaign started again... i was excited then the heat happened and now im just overall irritated... I want someone to save me from me, but I wont and cant and its not fair to them... so I continue a slow slippage....

Its another long weekend

So right now is about the middle of the memorial day long weekend... just watched logan...the leak in the garage is seeping at a new joint... and HVFF London is happening... oh and i feel like crap

Monday I think there was, no there was talk about relationships, having them not having them.... now its like the scientific method, you try things and if they dont work the hypothesis was wrong, you move on, or you abandon the experiment... i dont have friends, i dont make friends... i'm not sure i deserve friends.... my house is an unmitigated disaster waiting to happen, or happening or something along those lines... i thought about the leak earlier today and i dont want someone to come fix it because and its weird, i feel like i'm in trouble, like i did something wrong... thats insane right? whatever and mom noted today that i'll be there in july, and i have bought tickets and gotten trintiy scheduled at the kennel.... oh and erica's pregnant again.... seriously though it'd be better for them if i died before they knew me right?

you know there's days when i'd like someone, and then i realize i dont even know how... i dont know if i can, probably not... i dont know how to lean on people, not really and wouldnt that be somewhat required... its like i cant get complacent because nothing is sure, sure as hell relationships arent .... i do just wish i could fade away... and its like it hit me today all this shit... maybe its the fact i know its a long weekend and i wont see anyone or talk to anyone or interact with anyone... and i want to be looking forward to HVFF in Sept and Code8 starting filming next week and the premiere and everything and i just cant seem to muster any enthusiasm for it... oh and another thing i made a comment at group that i'd previously been dx'd as bipolar, Margarets reaction was i've never seen you manic... and its its kind of like she was incredulous about it.. i dont know i'm not bringing it up again, hopefully nobody else will either.... though as aubrey says i probably was manic last year god knows i had a zillion projects/crafts going on at once and reading and i just couldnt not do anything.... i suppose it was normal to people because my baseline is basically this, possibly a bit more even than at this very moment but still that ambivalent equilibrium kind of thing that i've basically settled into...

Weird... ish?

Its kinda been a weird week... Group is moved to an office down the hall its the new "group room" its got a table and windows.... its not cozy/dark like the old group room.. and dark is better somehow... no group on monday... maybe the table will be gone when group resumes...

Project crazy happened all week culminating in the project getting pushed back, which is good... but also I feel like I'm not contributing... like i'm doing all this 'stuff' but I dont feel like i'm getting anything done...

Garage leak has restarted itself... i think the weather swing is part of the reason... gotta redo the repair if I now plan to be in TX for ellie's chritening.. right? Also I cant help but I've thought several times lately, even though I've been on a plateau of okayness, that checking out before she knows who I am could be better... not that I live there or anything but does that make sense? or is that just me crazy talking? maybe both?

Maybe its the weather being all gloomy and rainy this week but its somewhat funk inducing... really the only things i've looked forward to this week are the DCTV shows.... 2 of the 4 were spectacular this week, Arrow for the last few weeks, really this whole season... which is another thing... I have tickets to heroes & villians in september and i want to go, but its 6 months away, slightly less, and its not the same kind of anticiption i had last year.... I want it to be the same kind of anticipation... i have a few months to figure out how to get there...

Other things from this week, i totally out of character and on a whim got a "diet" supplement... we'll see how that goes... I've been stuck though admittedly I've been lax the past couple months...

Group has been trying to focus on getting social again, which totally makes sense... but its well its nearly impossible... who wants to be friends with a broken human? nobody thats who... even people who i consider my friends I would venture to say wouldnt... i'm just that kind of person.... I even asked about doing dinner or what not and got a single reponse that saturday is a no go.... and no followup... i'm done trying (yes i've said this before and perhaps will try again but its exhausting even though I only do it every now and again) in some respects, still just waiting on the animals to die off... pathetic and true..

Yesterday a picture I'd ordered for charity arrived, with something extra... I smiled, genuinely smiled it was nice, and they didnt have to add it... I'm glad they did

well its been nice getting these thoughts off... i'm going to go note take some flashbacks and get season 1 off the ground to the site...

End of the month

You know when its one of those times that you're mostly in a funk but your not, but you are? There are these days or sometimes hours where its like ok I got it together its all good then its like the cliche that the clouds roll in and it slowly starts getting darker again... there are things that trigger sure but also there are things that dont and it just is...

Taking the Day

Woke up with a headache this morning.... intended on just WFH since I closed the curtains and can keep the livingroom fairly dark... took a nap intended to start my day with my 10am meeting but wasnt feeling it so I took the day

I needed the day... but I also skipped group... and the vet called trinity apparently has hookworm... gotta pick up a dewormer... how the hell did she get that... clearly she got it outside somehow but no way she ate something.. its frustrating

Its been a while

Its been a while... I've been okayish right there on the line of mediocre... just enough to get by and not swing either way.... but today... today I didnt do anything I'd intended, and yesterday I did a bunch, started early too... I want a day off but I have nothing to do....

Garage Door Openers

My Garage Door Opener got replaced today !!! WOOO HOOOOO

I was *almost* used to doing the whole door thing by hand but oh I never thought I'd be so excited to have a working garage door opener again. Its got all the bells & whistles too, its great!!

Oddly enough that getting done has boosted my mood, which is good, odd, slightly worrysome but good!

Work's like there wasn't even a break

When I got home my bullshit quota and tolerance were overflowing... seriously sometimes ... I just people didn't do something correctly and were all like oh well it wasn't explicitly clear for me... but they did the other field exactly correctly with the SAME DIRECTION... seriously can't you just say oh shit i missed that let me fix it and not ridiculous whining about shit that isn't relevant since you clearly could do it and understood it elsewhere... right or is that me?

OK thats not what I was going to say.. I was going to say its downright frigid and I'm awake, just grabbed some neuro sad to kick twix off my chest since he was warm and purring and sleeping but had to do it... need to sleep if i'm tired and the bullshit is like today i'm going to say something i'll regret, i can feel it

in other areas I've been reading some stuff on the mighty... all makes sense and I wonder if I could contribute anything but then i remember this is all rambling and contributing something would totally require me to edit/proofread and generally you know pay attention and make sense throughout none of this random topic jumping and rambling... dunno... nobody sees this place... i wonder if someone did if it'd make sense to anyone other than me?

ok need to try to sleep now... still awake, drinking my neuro...

I made it

I made it through my 12.5 days alone aka "vacation"... I'm both happy no thats not the right word... glad to go back to work, but also nervous about the questions that come with a break.... also I know the project is crazy and I really didnt log in at all, totally shut work off which is going to be a good or horrible decision

2017 has arrived

This time last year, I had wind in my sails; which is totally not here this year...I have things I've planned to do this year, like HVFF in September, SEPTEMBER totally out of character for me on that one, so was last year in that respect but I actually had fun so since it was on sale I figured why not... I'm not as excited about it though, possibly because I bought it partially as something to look forward to doing in the coming year... Code8 should really serve the same purpose but I dunno I'm totally absent of any of the wind that I had... it left its gone... it was nice when it was here but its no longer....

Here's a weird thing, I just weighed myself it said 343.8 that's the lowest I can remember being in eons... and I'm not even trying... I mean I'm not eating breakfast again lately because I'm sleeping in and only eating once I get hungry so its only like lunch & dinner lately... but its like almost 7lbs since I started this "vacation" aka self imposed isolation...

Here's something I've been thinking about and hoping its true but its totally me just being weird... I've had a sniffle and a good stuffiness since like Thanksgiving....cough is gone though finally which is good, colds linger on account that I have asthma and I'm not exactly 100% taking my medication as prescribed, though I do usually start doing that in winter, I have not this year... anyway the sniffle and the random bruises I've been getting makes me think about what went down oh 8 years ago maybe closer to 10? Where they thought I had leukemia (they never said that explicitly but why would you go to an oncology hematologist? I'm not dumb) all the same things happening.. but it wasn't then and its not now, only difference now is the weight loss which I'm not totally trying to do really... I just switched to sandwiches because frankly I'm lazy... weird.. anyway I said I was hoping it would be true because of what may be obvious reasons if you've read most of these entries over the years... it'd be a totally acceptable way to go without being explicitly suicidalesque... nothing to fight for for me... it'd be easy... but nothings easy... so why do I think/hope/wish maybe this were true... because its easy and maybe its poetic but again shitty things happen to people who undoubtedly don't deserve it, they have ambitions and families and friends and lives to live... shit doesn't happen to me that's like cancer and it wouldn't make a lick of difference in my life... seriously as much as people say and declare I'm important and all that its not totally true.. I don't doubt my family cares about me, but its almost an intrinsic kind of caring that its almost an inescapable thing... anyway those are depressing thoughts to start the new year with, stark contrast to last year huh? well 2016 ended on the shittiest of shitty notes this year... I mean in 20 days (19?) the apocalypse or WWIII is probably going to be instigated in some way and will occur... so there's that...