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I dont know I feel like I need to write something but I have no real direction to which to say anything right now... i'm just kind of all over the place and at the same time stuck...

I"m going to CA for a conference with work next week... I'm not actually looking forward to it... I'm going because I should... but I dont know I mean I'll probably be fine once I"m there as always but you know everything still kinda sucks... went to training on Thursday for work downtown which i was dreading for no real good reason, just didnt want to go and etcetera... but it was fie once i was there... though I did opt for the $19 parking instead of the $8 because i just didnt want to deal with it...


now my garage kinda smells like apples.. theres a seeping and that stupid mold but not mold whatever it is.. that it does die when you spray it with vinegar i think i just didnt catch it all and thats why the apple like smell or whatnot

also i dont think i'm going to make it that much longer... i have some things planned out in the distance like the code8 premiere and stuff but i dont know i want to but then again i kind of dont care anymore either... also erica's pregnant again... so there's a whole new niece/nephew to consider do they need me to be in their consciousness... ellie's only 1 so i mean she wont ever really remember me... why cant I have some terminal illness i deserve it.. i'm staring at twix while i type because its just stream of consciousness and he's looking at me funny probably wondering why i'm staring at him and typing like people do at work when i look at them while they talk and just continue typing whatever i was typing in the first place.. i cant do that on the phone though its kinda weird...

my left thigh is all scabs from scratching because i'm depressed but not but sorta and anxiety but nt its weird... like i was totally depressed a couple weeks ago really thought about ending it seriously for the first time in a while but i need to do things right... like estate wise and obviously the other thing too... i'm also nervous about leaving twix home alone for the conference; first time he'll be alone w/o fenway.. and he's a clingyish cat... not quite as independent as the other boys were... but i hope he'll be fine i mean he'll have to be right... no other choice...

i do sometimes wish i could tell someone what shit happens but its really not their problem and as much as i'd like help i dont think i could ever accept it... also .... its i'm just not doing it.. i'm not doing it right... anything, life, love HA nope not even close there... i'm just tired i suppose you can say...

i posted to code8/Stephen/Robbie about the missing jersey; both Stephen &  Robbie said they'd look into it; Robbie even said if they cant fix it he'd send me his personal one... but thats not why i did it; i'd rather everyone else get their jerseys too; i dont think any have been sent out..

i also kinda wish i could effectively use group sometimes; i mean i did admit i was feeling shitty and moderately suicidal a few weeks ago but anymore than that is still hard; i dont want anyone to worry; i also dont want anyone to know what a shitty homeowner i am with the leak.... and i cant explain to normal people, and i know group is a bunch of people with similar issues, but sill .. cant explain why i haven't gotten it fixed... i've said before here about i dont trust people to come fix just that; also its just liek i feel like i'll get in trouble.. ya know? makes zero sense I know but ... ugh

this is really long isnt it i should stop but i think it was nice to write out some stuff haven't done it in a good while so i think i needed it.. it does help when i do... i just have to have the desire and the something i dont know what the word is right now while i'm typing looking at twix that i wanted to say but you get it... ok thats it for now