2017 has arrived

This time last year, I had wind in my sails; which is totally not here this year...I have things I've planned to do this year, like HVFF in September, SEPTEMBER totally out of character for me on that one, so was last year in that respect but I actually had fun so since it was on sale I figured why not... I'm not as excited about it though, possibly because I bought it partially as something to look forward to doing in the coming year... Code8 should really serve the same purpose but I dunno I'm totally absent of any of the wind that I had... it left its gone... it was nice when it was here but its no longer....

Here's a weird thing, I just weighed myself it said 343.8 that's the lowest I can remember being in eons... and I'm not even trying... I mean I'm not eating breakfast again lately because I'm sleeping in and only eating once I get hungry so its only like lunch & dinner lately... but its like almost 7lbs since I started this "vacation" aka self imposed isolation...

Here's something I've been thinking about and hoping its true but its totally me just being weird... I've had a sniffle and a good stuffiness since like Thanksgiving....cough is gone though finally which is good, colds linger on account that I have asthma and I'm not exactly 100% taking my medication as prescribed, though I do usually start doing that in winter, I have not this year... anyway the sniffle and the random bruises I've been getting makes me think about what went down oh 8 years ago maybe closer to 10? Where they thought I had leukemia (they never said that explicitly but why would you go to an oncology hematologist? I'm not dumb) all the same things happening.. but it wasn't then and its not now, only difference now is the weight loss which I'm not totally trying to do really... I just switched to sandwiches because frankly I'm lazy... weird.. anyway I said I was hoping it would be true because of what may be obvious reasons if you've read most of these entries over the years... it'd be a totally acceptable way to go without being explicitly suicidalesque... nothing to fight for for me... it'd be easy... but nothings easy... so why do I think/hope/wish maybe this were true... because its easy and maybe its poetic but again shitty things happen to people who undoubtedly don't deserve it, they have ambitions and families and friends and lives to live... shit doesn't happen to me that's like cancer and it wouldn't make a lick of difference in my life... seriously as much as people say and declare I'm important and all that its not totally true.. I don't doubt my family cares about me, but its almost an intrinsic kind of caring that its almost an inescapable thing... anyway those are depressing thoughts to start the new year with, stark contrast to last year huh? well 2016 ended on the shittiest of shitty notes this year... I mean in 20 days (19?) the apocalypse or WWIII is probably going to be instigated in some way and will occur... so there's that...