i wonder

i wonder what it is thats gotten me this far into my life... i've wanted to stop, check out so many more times than people know... and do i start and trust and really work with my shrink? i just i'm afraid that once i open the can of worms that i keep very tightly sealed i'm going to be a walking open wound again and i wont be able to put the top back on... i work pretty damn hard to keep it all inside, let it slide off my back roll off, not get to me... and when stuff does its a speed bump but it doesnt cripple me you know except when it gets too much then it overfloweth and i have to regroup... it takes a lot... i'm afraid, there i said it... oh and i never realized, how good it was that i had friends i saw every day, even if they were mostly work friends...

sigh...

you know, some days i just really i dont know .... made a new friend, online, been talking like every day for the past 2 weeks... really enjoy his company conversation etc, he hasnt been online today and its kind of sad for me... but whats more sad is nobody is online today so its been a loney day... though i didnt sleep the entire day like normal, no i watched battlestar galactica, good show btw... going to continue watching it... i *really* wish i had a real friend local or a relationship... i just dont know if i'm really cut out for either...

Balance?

I'm finding that its difficult to find balance professionally. I like my job but its frustrating and there is really nobody else here who does/understands my job to comisserate wity. I like my coworkers but is that enough? Are there enough of them to know? I liked highmark just not the situation, the company, coworkers and even my job had it been realistically defined I'd have stayed and figures out the commute issue. Bleh!

Today is just frustrating and perhaps more personally than anything else.

feeling lonely

so i've been feeling kind of lonely this week... they laid off 80 people at work on monday... not me... but i dont feel safe there, like they could cut me, if i train their FTE's why not right? i'm expensive..

i miss seeing friends every day, i miss Will and Frank and Rene.... the people at work are fine but they arent the same, and they arent as friendly as the people at Highmark were... or maybe i'm wrong but i dont think i am....

was this a good move? i'm feeling more isolated again as a result... and i'm pulling away from Matt... i know i am... i cant help myself, we went to a movie on thursday and he gave me a kiss on the cheek like always but my reaction in my head was like what was that for... i just dont know... i cant lose a friend but i'm soo irritated with myself i guess... and i cant like date, my god my house is a disaster still... i do want help with it though not pity but why would anyone help me... i dont know if i could even accept any help, i mean i got myself into this mess... nobody is going to take care of me for me, so i need to do it myself... isnt that always the way?

Hello Summer...

So its July 1st, summer is officially here, has been for what 2 weeks now... today i've been lamenting the fact that Wednesday is a holiday and i'll be spending it alone, again.... even after meeting Matt my holiday routine isnt changed much if at all... i still kinda long for someone to ask and try to include me... but thats not to be, i'm a solitary creature it seems... better get used to it again