breathe :)

finally started talking the topic of what matt and i are and what our relationship is and what we would want it to be and funny thing happened we're both having the same thoughts, neither of us want to push the other away, but we need to talk about it and both have reservations about a relationship, i'm going to presume the same kinds of reasons, we're pretty alike and simliarly f'd in the head lol so it is awkward and weird and nice all at the same time lol... i feel so much better now that we've talked and we're going to continue the conversation in person and talk properly and i'm glad we have it out there on the table :)

i'm going to also say i have my reservations but i'm more and more open to the possibility of a real relationship the longer i see matt, but i'm totally totally happy taking it slow figuring it out and not getting weird

as long as we're honest with each other i think its possible scares the ever living fuck out of me too lol

Piman

Been almost 12 hours since I had to put you down and I'm still so sad. You know I'm not one to cry but I miss you already baby, hope your at peace now. Love you

Ty misses you too, and Fenway

stayed home today

that time of the month made for cramps + headache which necessitated additional sleep and created a bit of misery when i woke up... slept til almost 11 and all was well after that, logged onto work to see if i should put in at least a half day and nothing was happening the team said they'd cover so i took the day... matts been quiet today... hope his weekend at the wedding goes well... i'm worried about piman but he's ok he's eating and complaining at me for not feeding them fast enough so... i dunno i kind of feel like a hug, but thats nothing new right? ugh

to matt

hi matt... i want to talk to you but i have no idea how to bring up the topic... i'm confused with the whole situation, i sense that something changed last week and i cant put my finger on it... i wish i knew what it was or what i did but i'm never going to ask because i'm not sure i want to know the answer either... all i do know is i enjoy spending time with you but i dont really know what we are, friends? dating? somewhere in between is what i sense but my ability to sense social situations is primitive at best... what i really want is to just get to know you more, i'd really like to just sit with you and have your arm around me, but i dont know how to ask for that... the other day you didnt seem to want to really be near just around, and i understand that feeling i just dont know if there is an external reason aka me, or if it was just your mood... i have a feeling i should just cut my losses because i always only ever take what i can get usually and i dont want to push or ask for too much because i want to remain realistic about the fact that i'm not for everyone, or maybe anyone, i havnt figured that one out yet... so i'm not sending this to you instead i'm posting this on my little blog space where few people know it exists, though if you were curious enough its easy enough to find...

awake

so its 2am and i'm awake, shocker huh... but my brain doesnt always shut off, rarely even, when i ask it to, or want it to so i'm up

what is my brain doing you ask? well i'm going to relay that to you because maybe if i do i can just stop thinking about all this shit

• Matt... i like him, want to be able to be relaxed around him, trust him, dont know how... all the past shit is just so much to overcome, and i kind of think he makes me happy but not feel happy which i find frustratingly annoying.... like i think i should be able to feel happy in the same manner that i feel sad/depressed/anxious/annoyed but thats not the case... its all a rationalization of happiness 
• work... oh work... i'm not a million people and i'm not cloned, its frustrating to have to fix things once they're in production, though it is my job, regardless that shouldnt be my job, the job should be to guide projects along, which i'm trying to do, and not have the problems in the first place, but i have no voice in the matter... and i'm just tired ... like requirements we read requirements as a whole complete document, we dont write them that way now, which is part of the reason they're so shitty lately... projects dont ask me about things when they should i cant hunt down projects to include me its at their own peril when they dont, but thats not really true since they have no owness to fix things post-patch thats on me... so really who has any owness or culpibility in the matter? nobody!
• erica w.... never repaired a friendship before, its like i think i could and think i want to i just dont know how to get past the shit and its not super big shit its like oh your going to stop talking to me and not reciprocate fine i can do that, you dont have to be my friend i'm not going to force you... so thats what it was ...
• which kind of leads back to matt... i want to know if he likes me, if so in what way if not please tell me... yes it'll hurt but damn dont string me along just because you think i may be fragile in some way... and i dont think he's doing that but i'm afraid if he is... make sense? 
• what else is going on in my head... oh user experience... what a croc!
• what if its me thats stringing matt along and i dont like him its just i like what he represents? i'm afraid of that too... like i missed him when he was sick and we werent talking daily but is that me missing him or just the contact? the whole situation confuses me to no end sometimes.. and i dont want to string him along because thats just wrong ... i just i dont know and it frustrates me
• my calf is sore, i think i may have broken my toe... dropped a bottle of powerade on it got a bruise limping all day = sore calf... but then i think oh maybe its a blood clot and i'll die ha! and i like it but i'm not depressed, weird crazy huh?
• oh and my womanly issues... relating to matt... i've got an overgrowth but not infection of yeast its not attractive... and so i need a new gyne the pcp isnt going to cut it
• and about the pcp oh my god can i say worry wart? i mean really... she says i'm diabetic now becuase i'm 1 pt in blood sugar over what would be normal... uh really how about we exclude my weight from your frantic diagnostic rampage and say hey ya know maybe its not a freak out moment, how about that
• oh and if you pcp lady cancel my previous meeting because you had an emergency its generally not a good idea when you keep me waiting on my reschedule so i take my phone and do a crossword to come in set my file down and ask me if i want to reschedule since my phone is in my hand i mean really WTF .. and you think i'm going to subject myself to you again in 2 months you really have a high opionion of yourself now dont you

ok now i'm just randing random things rather than using the bullets... and still not tired enough to sleep fuck! arrgh

Lonely

Feeling a bit lonely today... Still a bit irritated from yesterday too. Nobody's playing wwf, no txts from matt, Erica is coming back to work and has like out of the blue started talking to me again, I don't know how to repair friendships, its never actually come up before, also I'm confused w/Matt that's entirely uncharted territory... Plus work is being a bitch this week too... Too much going at once for my overactive brain to deal with.

Bleh

Omg today is miserable overall ugh!