sleep dream learn

you can live an entire lifetime in your sleep.... too bad it ends every night, and the lessons you learn, they are either lost, haunt you or they reappear later triggered by whatever... ever remember a dream? thats the lesson returning

saturday dreamin..

so saturday night i had a dream about an ex, specifically the one that got away... and i think, i can picture the moment i knew i liked him and didnt want him to move away (he was at the onset up front with his plans to move away)... sitting on my couch in his superman tshirt grumbling because he had a bad day looking so pathetic, that was the moment.. and after that night we chatted online and i panicked because i didnt want him to go, so i wrote this pathetic long email about how i really liked him and wanted to date and i basically stopped talking to him afraid of his reply, he moved anyway and got married a few years ago.. but i still think about him, i've never been more comfortable with anyone in my entire life... oh well..

i'm still wide awake

ok cant sleep, watching tony danza teach.. and you know i was and still am jealous of people who have to work to learn and do so.. like it just is for me for the most part i dont have to work at it i dont have to think about it really it just kind of happens... and frankly i never cared or for that matter i dont care about my own aptitude... ahhh i have no idea what i'm saying but i do its weird... my articulation of my thoughts is like the worst... almost worse when i take my meds because i censor myself more than if i'm not... which is good and not... its weird... ok well i think thats all for now, hopefully i'll get sleepy soon, sleep is not something i usually have an issue with

solitare..

so still playing solitare, new addiction i suppose you could say.. watching a criminal minds rerun about suicides instigated by an online deviant... and its like my brain it... no its not its like i dont know i jump .. and i think oh well its like i still think it'd been better somehow if i could have fallen down that hole and not cared and done something, and i think how my shrink wouldnt have gotten that hence why i dont say anything and i've tried to explain before and i dont think it was articulated properly to make someone understand.. anyway i want to clean the house, i NEED to clean the house but i just i dont know, i'm just a lazy ass.. ugh.. and trinity she's so adorable and sweet and i know i'm not fufilling her the right way she's still little, almost 2, and she should have a yard to run around in and stuff, i dont have that.. and i need to fix up the house and sell it and maybe i could do that but i just think i'm going to be stuck here and i'll just never do that.. i dont know... grr

sick

i hate hate hate being sick btw... cough seems to be settling in.. at least the sinus pain and pressure is gone!