Reflection — The OS Realization

Today I finally understood why so much of my life and family dynamics have felt the way they do.

It’s not just personality, not just birth order, not even just genetics. It’s operating systems — intrinsic vs. extrinsic wiring, programmed in those earliest caregiving years.

Gram (and Nama) gave me the same intrinsic, resolution-oriented OS that Dad had. That’s why I always felt bonded to him and to her — and why Mom and Erica’s extrinsic, door-slamming style has always left me hanging.

This framework is so simple, but it explains everything: the family split, the Mahoney vs. D’Ambrosio divide, why journaling/fiction/cleaning calms me, why some fights still burn decades later, even why the cats echo the same dynamics.

For the first time, it all makes sense. Not just “ah, that’s neat,” but deep, bone-level sense — the kind that gives me chills.

vacation?

 so i went to my 4th SPNNJ this weekend; and i barely went ... my day started off late i almost just called it off all together but got my shit together and arrived around 9pm on thursday... Friday i got registered, ended up with a silver ticket and did a manns cave and went to the trailer screening of exes which was fun... saturday i was just EXHAUSTED i literally slept all day i had no energy to get out of bed at all so i didnt and didnt go to SNS either... sunday had a headache... and some other issues and didnt feel better until like 10pm Sunday... so that was my weekend

like i physically didnt feel well and was exhausted but i wonder if that was actual sick or some weird manifestation of anxiety?

nobody noticed i wasnt there, i saw ellen and kara at breakfast at the hotel friday, sunday and today... its weird its also like i dont know if i fit anymore i was so exhausted but was it a manifestation of my lack of desire to go which happens a lot but it didnt not even a little... i wish it had i usually enjoy these.. 

goddamnit

 i'm so annoyed and worried, the person mentioned in the prior post and i decided to work out out issues and we're still in different states so it all made sense but he went to mosque on friday and i havent heard from him since i've decided he got into an accident on the way to/from and is in the hospital? i dunno i'm concerned and i have no way to contact him other than skype and he's now offline so his phone is dead, i'm just hoping he isnt dead... how long do i worry for? see it was never meant to be too improbable

improbability

 the improbability of it all gave me a nagging too good to be true but i wanted to ignore that, i've come to the conclusion i dont think i can. and while it sucks, it was only online but for someone to tick off so many of my boxes was incredible if i'm being honest, but i cant do what he wants, i could try sure, but would it be fulfilling for me? it'd be a nice escape for sure so am i running again like i did 20 years ago maybe? does it matter? its only been a week better now than a year from now right?