Patterns

I considered commenting about this in group; but others had real world tangible problems to discuss... Ever catch yourself kind of redoing old habits? Knowing its an old habit and not really caring? So I've lost weight, a good amount and I haven't been 'trying'; trying to me implies that I'm dieting which I'm not, I've just made some changes, ones I've made before and they work. The pattern noticing thing I've recently done though is mildly something.... so food and I have a terrible relationship. I don't necessarily enjoy food, its more a means to an end most of the time; and something to do when bored if i'm being honest. And what I've caught myself doing is giving myself 'rules' not huge drastic rules but rules nonetheless, which could potentially lead to some less healthy rules I've made in the past... does that make sense? Like I want to continue, but I don't know if I want to fall into those old habits, effective though they are they are not the most healthy.

Like I get through live more often than not setting a little goal at some point in the not too distant future to keep me going, seriously. Erica's HS graduation was pretty much one of the only reasons I didn't try to kill myself again after I left college. Then like I had to move out of my aunt/uncles when I'd been back in MA... then Erica's College graduation gave me another 3-4 years.... then after I moved here I dont recall all those little goals that I'd set some have been ridiculous some life events like above... the cats definitely helped too. Erica's wedding was a recent goal, HVFF was a goal, Thanksgiving to see Ellie is a goal, the Code 8 premiere is a goal.. thats the furthest one out right now... why did I mention this? well I set myself a little goal to be able to fit into the merch from Code 8 since it topped out at 2x which I've accomplished.... I'm presently bidding on something in an auction, its a regular XL and I think I'd like to see if I could do that before next years HVFF in Oct... but I almost dont want to set it since I dont want to disappoint myself hence why the old habits have maybe resurfaced or at least thinking of them have... Is this something worthwhile to bring up or am I just pontificating myself into overblowing something? This is also the dead zone of the summer with little to no external entertainment to distract me from myself... partially the cause of the craftsplosion I think... I have a meeting in 4mins because California... but I figured I should put down these thoughts because as I said earlier in the day its blah right now.. but its weird I can do the day and people but when i get home ugh...

Summer

Summer is odd for me.... its like it starts off okay (this year anyway) and its gradually faded... like I don't know I feel like sometimes I'm more depressed in the summer than the winter... or maybe its just because I'm soloing on my current project, which is fine but there's little interaction with others... and frankly it bores me....

The leak in the garage that was stopped started again it seems and it just deflates me... i can fix it but goddamn... I have 6 PTO days to use that are unscheduled, I need to figure something out...

A few thoughts...

Stephen is presently staring at me from my TV, that photo with his hands to the lens is one that is a background and it came up in the rotation.... thats not necessarily what I wanted to say... tonight he posted on fb that he had a brief scare last week when he got his nose xrayed, they saw something thaty needed to check again... and he reflected on his charity work and his family and all the crap that comes along with life and getting caught up in the things that are really not as important.... and something along the cancer front has happened to me once and the whole hearing debachle thing was another where I got vague answers no they weren't answers they were well it could be a million things lets do some more testing... i recall the cancer thing, it was they were afraid I may have lukemia my white cell count was high and sustained high for at least 6 weeks... so I ended up having several appointments with an oncology hematologist... i recall sitting in the waiting room there and being like damn.. also at the time I was secretly hoping it was it too... so it was a weird thing... like it was scary to  an extent... but also I was depressed at the time too, not bad but my general level of fuck this'd'ness .... so having a concrete real likely terminal possibly anyway diagnosis seemed better somehow... more concrete, real, something people could wrap their heads around and not give me second looks and weird glances for me being in a mood.... it wasnt.. but it was an experience, especially since I did it all alone and didnt really tell anyone, I asked my aunt a couple cryptic questios but thats about it... i dont even think she said anything to my mom because my mom is my mom and we all know what kind of hysterics that could have created... whats weird is my hearing didnt really phase her so much... that is something that effected me then and effected me 2 years ago when I had to concede to getting hearing aids.. i used to sing, i used to not be terrible, i made madrigals so you know... anyway hearing is something that was useful to me at one point or is, describing my relationship with hearing is odd.... music is literally a lifeline for me sometimes and the prospect of losing that ability well I dont like to think about it so i lock it away... its kind of funny that of anything in my life that is the one thing that upsets me every time if i venture down that path..

Craftsplosion and things

There has been a craftsplosion at my house I've done 3 pieces of embroidery knitted 3 hats and am on a 4th... the next one will go with 2 embroidery pieces... its nuts... I have not embroidered in probably a good 20 years its kind of meditative.. knitting too... I'm sure it'll pass but its always a flurry then it stops...

Chores, got the car inspected and ended up having to get new tires... The guy who owns the shop remarked that I was so chill about it when he told me the total.... I said well I agreed to the tires they were $600 then you tack on labor, taxes and the inspections and 701 seems about right.... it doesnt hurt that I have plenty of savings and a card that has 0% for the next 8 months either.. the latter two of which I did not say to him, but thought...

Today I got assigned to a project well sorta I got assigned to a 2nd track of a project I got assigned to as a consulting BA of sorts 25% allocation... then today got the same allocation to the 2nd track... also its fairly striaghtforward so no big puzzles to solve I really need to figure out how to work slower... I say that a lot but goddamn I need to figure out how to do it..

Group on monday... it was good, I came close to saying things I wouldnt but gratefully other people were more the focus, I shared some but I'm still glad I didnt cross any of my still standing lines... walls may be starting to crack but nothing's tumbled down just yet... honestly dont know what'll happen when it does and i realize i just said when and not if... which yep

Tonight instead of crafting or whatnot I read fanfic, which granted is something I generally try to avoid because usually its incredibly juvenille (at least from what I recall the last time I ventured into it which was years ago) anyway... having really nothing to do I read something that was reccomended to someone on twitter and it was really good, like really good... It also metaphorically applies to me and why I like Arrow in general... also other things that Arrow has introduced that I'm still pretty sure arent' in the cards for me still... if you want its here....

Contradictions

You know, as much as I'm doing better, and I am I can see that... I do still operate on the base principle that everyone is better off not having me in their lives, and that when meeting people they just don't/wont like me.... it is easier... but also harder...

Monday

Feeling kinda blah... did jack this weekend... I was going to see bourne but I didnt.... I'm halfway through American Gods and I have no motivation to pick it up right now, and its a good book... I think some of it is work... I'm not interacting with anyone, my project doesnt require it right now... so I'm busy working and that doesnt require others... Group tonight was eh... I didnt talk... but I didnt want to.... others needed it and I have some mixed feelings about some of what went on... blah blah blah right?