wow

Ok I just had an hour long conversation with my mom, that was a good general conversation. I can't remember the last general conversation I had with her, its like I'm becoming an adult lol.

Con Weekend Ramblings

Vicarious SDCC that is... I cant thank the Nerd Machine for live streaming Nerd HQ enough... its been really excellent. You know I sit here this weekend and I think, a few things... one these are my people... I always knew that but admitting it is another thing because people I knew who like these things never liked me... so I never engaged... anyway enough about shit that happened over 20 years ago..

Like I like to read, I will like binge read, its a thing.. I think... anyway. One book that I remember and love from my childhood reading has always been Witch by Christopher Pike,without question. Its a story about a girl who's from a family of witches, her mother died when she was very young. She can see the past/future I feel like it was in a pond somewhere.. anyway that's not important to why I love the book. And I may totally be getting some of this wrong I read the book I swear to god must have been 25 maybe 27 years ago now... anyway when was it published? I'm gonna google.. brb ok so it was published in 1990 so I read it when it was new... because I loved Christopher Pike, I read a bunch of his books when I was a kid.. so 25/26 years ago lets say... where was I? ok... she's a witch, she can see the past/future but that's not her cool power (and the past future may have been another book I feel like I should re-read but I"m afraid to ruin the memory) her cool power was healing people... she could see their literal life line.... like a literal tether of life... I forget who the character was totally but it was a close friend of hers and he was sick... or he got hurt anyway he was dying... and she, intentionally put a crack pipe in her pocket, went to the hospital and traded his fading life line for her's dying in the process... I love that book... anyway why this story? Well at the Stephen Amell & Friends panel someone asked what everyone's favorite book from their childhood was, and he said Christopher Pike's Buy Me Deep.... also a good book but Witch is better, in my opinion... anyway it sealed the these are my people thing and also made me like Stephen even more... Nobody and I mean NOBODY ever knows what the hell I"m talking about if I answer that question or anything... its like they didn't read... or maybe not that book or any of them and SOMEONE mentioned it and knew and one of his books was their favorite too... i want to rewatch to see if anyone else knew what he was talking about I was shocked/astonished because seriously nobody knows... my sister, who likes to read now, didn't when we were kids and never read them.... nobody ever around to talk about the books with... I feel weird about this as well, because well I still don't know anyone else in my actual life who has any of these interests..... girl at work is a total Star Wars nerd and I like Star Wars I know more than the casual viewer but I'm not anywhere near her level... and she doesn't do much outside of that universe... there's another lady at work who didn't recognize SA in my con photo but says she watches Arrow.... we shall see... maybe... and while on the topic of work Lisa a co-worker from a prior project who lives in Scotland I spoke with chatted/IM'd on Friday and we had a brief catch up and I mentioned Barroman/HVFF to her and I knew she'd have to at least know who he was, and she did, since she's Scottish... it was nice... because even though she didn't know Arrow or much Who/Torchwood she knows his personality from general Barrowman is awesome and Scottish type stuff... so that was nice... I recognize I'm totally rambling on right now but I'm awake and hoping the Neuro will kick in...

So..... how do I find real in person people... that I'm not kind of afraid of... I'm totally weird.. get me in a contrived situation and I'm generally ok with small talk stuff... more or less... comfort is another thing that I need time to get to, so HVFF day 2 was better than day 1... if i was Day 2 and brought the poster for Stephen to sign I think I'd have said a few of the things I wanted to but alas, I did not... I wasn't so much nervous as I was not wanting to take time away from other people and just being shy... which I think is a funny thing to say about me, because if you know me, at work or are one of the few who know me personally I'm not shy if I know you... quite the opposite really... I'm complicated...

Also... I have about 8lbs to go before my generalized goal that if I hit I will pursue greater efforts ... which I'm kind of excited about... I wrote a while ago about the SA workout videos and how he looked like he was having fun in especially the parkour ones... fun is something I did used to have when i was in dance or at Gram's pool... so lets see what I can find that'd be fun now... not too sure about LA fitness but they have water aerobics which I thin would be a good primer for me to get back at it... I already have the mag bike and god I wish it had a more comfortable seat... I'd do it more often if that were the case... I was going to cannibalize the fly wheel bike's seat but i couldn't get it off... I could always order one.. anyway biking may be a good thing a little ways down the road, I do live right by the goddamn trail..

Anyway I'm going to bed now... my eyes are a little tired so I don't want to keep typing because my mind would totally keep going... goodnight

Ahh Monday

Today was much better than the weekend, had group and briefly chatted about HVFF with 2 peeps at work today.... always remember to just put the shit here and not carry it around :)

Same Old Song

I made an observation at group last time that I don't have friends, primarily because they're hard. Its hard to have people that have any kind of expectation, which inherently friends have. Realizing that that expectation is rarely born with malice doesn't negate the fact that its there. The same is true of me towards friends, I have expectation, I've whittled down my expectations considerably through the years, yet somehow this has never increased my sphere of friends. I've been complaining alot on here lately about my lack of friends, people... and yet still I can't bring myself to subject people to me.

That may sound odd, but if I want a friend... I want someone who knows me... as terrifying as that is for me that's what I want. However what knowing me entails is not something I want to bring to bear on anyone. I'm tough, I'm a tough girl to be friends with. I am moody, I am difficult, I frequently get depressed.... I can do what I did last weekend and be cordial and friendly but nobody knows me.. Clearly a funk has descended upon me this week... it seems to have been ushered in by the fact I enjoyed myself last weekend and have had nobody to share it with...

If all that failure needs is a person frightened of realizing their potential (no truer words have been spoken) then I am utterly and completely terrified of it. Along with terrified of people having to deal with my bullshit. Now I love that quote and its helped me, really it has. But at this moment in time... I'm wondering if i just let myself drift back down and let all the insecurity and self doubt and self hate envelope me like a warm suffocating blanket, or a cold suffocating blanket kind of depends on my point of view/mood at the time of the thought... Weird thing is as many times as I've had that thought today, considered all the ways in my head that ending it could occur... I'm not actually thinking that's a reality at the moment... oddly sometimes it calms me a little to know that the mortality is still there and it is fragile. And putting this here, stops the spinning in my head... it states it out, leaves it so I can return to it later when I'm somewhere better.

The Weekend is here...

So I"m just going to bitch about something right now... you know how I'm like eh borderline hermit? Been trying to get dinner plans done w/friends since literally February... and I'm not even the one who's backed out... I'm slightly annoyed... and I've gotten no responses on any updates if we're going to try this weekend...

Also I'd like a friend somehow that has shared interests so I can talk to someone just shooting the shit you know? *sigh*

Back to the grind n such

I'm back at it, work that is... today is super slow as evidenced by the fact is 10am writing this; the perils of having most of your project coworkers on the west coast I suppose.

I enjoyed the weekend, what I'm finding odd now though is there is nobody I know that enjoys the same things so telling anyone about it is just not doable... which kind of sucks...

And a state of the world rant here... WTF is going on? Seriously we have rogue elements in police departments everywhere and nobody with the balls to set shit straight... someone needs to get on that. Not to mention we have 2 less than ideal presidential candidates, honestly nobody running has been a good choice, the entire lineup I'm talking not one intelligent decent human has run this year.

Also why do people have to be jerks? Seriously attacking people you dont know on social media is its pathetic and sad... why do it? I dont have a life and I dont do that, then again I'm not a completely insane sociopathic crazy person.... crazy sure but not that crazy...

I have a meeting in 2 mins which should start the bulk of my day... and tomorrow's friday so there's that too...

Success!!

I'm home and have been unable to take a nap due to the two felines in my house... but I did have a good time and I'm really glad I went...

I had a good time, fun even... though I think the weird thing is with me.. its fun recalling it but not so sure the in the moment fun happens... does that make sense? Like I feel like I tend to be more pragmatic and reserved in the moment then looking back I can smile etc...

I had SA sign his quote... he didnt recognize it at first and I'm not sure if he's recalled its complete context yet... but I gave him the 2nd copy I took with me because the bolder text was preferred by me... I think I'm going to put it up for fan art friday with a message, because being me everyone I know being able to read stuff is still a bit weird...

Got solo photos w/SA & JB both of which I had slight hair issues with however the combo with both came out well... I've gotten compliments on it, one even said it was a perfect shot ... I'm blushing I swear... and its hard to argue, I've poked about at some of the others, its is pretty darn good and I was the 1st gold in line... so

Both drive's were smooth without issue, honestly only hit traffic right outside Secaucus and then again coming home at the Squirrel Hill Tunnel.... all in all excellent driving

I'm looking forward to the Code8 premiere more now that I've done this, and I feel like I'd do it again... not sure about a bigger one but this size was good.... its reminiscent of the flea market days with Dad, actually its basically that just all topical and with celebrities ... flea markets I'm comfortable with so that was good actually... and the flea we used to do in Raynham was huge I feel like 3x the size of this con, then again i was little so I could be exaggerating I should look it up..

Today's the day

Its 2:30am.... .i woke up, went to sleep early because there was a thunderstorm and no direct tv because of it to keep me entertained for a couple hours.... also my niece was born today!! yesterday actually... anyway my poor sister had 17 hours of labor.... poor girl did not inherit the speedy labor gene from my mom...

so i had a brief moment after waking up of oh shit i'm here, like really here.... which may be why i was unable to fall back asleep right away... thus this post... the drive here was really smooth... no traffic until literally right outside Secaucus and, and I got through the Squirrel Hill Tunnel today without hitting the breaks which is a miracle in itself so it was a good omen :)

I forgot my cerave at home, i knew I'd forget something... and the good 2nd choice lotion is in the car... gotta grab it before heading into the convention tomorrow...I put on the superhero mask nail wraps I got from Geek Fuel months ago since I figured this would possilby be the only occasion I'd have to wear them.... and despite me having to top at rite aid on the way and pick up topcoat since I misplaced mine they're doing pretty well so far, should put a 2nd coat on too before I head to the con... thats in the car too .... i mean the only one thats doing poorly is the one on my crappy nail,which is just a bit oddly shaped compared to the rest of them.... ok i shoulud really try to get back to sleep right?