Holidays...

So, as a quazi experiment I didn't call anyone for Thanksgiving.... just to see... and oddly Llamar was the first person to contact me, texted me at 10am to say Happy Thanksgiving.... and mom called at 11pm... thats it.... so... yup :/

Society's misconceptions illustrated by Matt Walsh

Now I hardly if ever openly discuss my mental health with but a handful, and even that's generous, of people. But I was considerably disturbed by what I read of Matt Walsh's post and his followup insofar that it reeks of ignorance. And I couldn't finish it really riled me the wrong way.

Let me sum it up for those who have not read it, suicide is a choice, this is his position. However what he and countless other people fail to recognize is sure suicide is a choice but its a choice much in the same way the person on PCP who jumped off a building and died had a choice in the matter. By definition that person on PCP committed suicide, but society would never say that was the persons choice, it wouldn't be stigmatized in the same manner. Let me go further the person taking PCP chose to take PCP, the person with mental illness, depression, bipolar and many others; they don't chose these ailments. There is a chasm of difference between a lucid choice and an action that occurs where your rational lucid mind is clouded by an illness.

Being depressed, and so depressed that suicide enters your thoughts as an option (or you actually attempt it) is something that anyone who hasn't been there really cannot grasp. And general societal analogies about tunnel vision don't really adequately describe the experience. Once in college I made this analogy which I think (hope) is fairly accurate, being suicidal is a feeling that is difficult to describe, like for the person who has never been skydiving the rush and feeling of jumping out of an airplane cannot be described, only those who have experienced it can really relate to it. The lowness of suicidal depression is like the rush and the high of jumping out of a plane in that indescribable you have to be there to believe it kind of way.

So I would ask those who have not ever been there to not pass judgement and spew ridiculous propaganda about things to perpetuate a stigma that is devastating to those with mental illness and those who deal with it every day; the paitents, their families and the mental health professionals. If you have an opinion, have an opinion, but please don't present your individual feeling as a factual standpoint or "the absolute truth". Granted opinions get conversations started, extreme opinions get many started but this opinion, I think, is a dangerous one to propagate.

Oh and if you want to read his post, you can google it, I'm not going to link it here.

Ok, this is weird and sad

My aunt sent me a audiogram chart that she has at school that shows sounds at different levels. Leaves rustling is in the range that I cannot hear, and until today I wouldn't have believed it and didnt notice until today. There's a decent breeze today and i can feel it and see the trees moving but i can barely hear rustling and thats if a good breeze comes along, otherwise I dont hear them :(  I never noticed that before... and I'm pretty sure I have been able to hear them at some point but I dont even know when I stopped...

to hear or not to hear?

So, I had a hearing test today... I failed :(

Now on top of the mess of my life I need hearing aids, both ears. I get that its no acquired loss its my biology but I dunno I feel like I should have been able to not have this result. Even though I was told when it was discovered that this was likely to happn I"m still frustrated.

3am, again

Another night this week where I cannot fall asleep, its 3am again. Last night I couldn't sleep and at 3am I woke Trinity up for a walk around the block, it was nice dark, no distractions to get trinity in a tizzy...

This week I've really not been able to fall asleep very well.. I've been thinking about group on Monday.. they want me to feel, or show them that I do or how I feel, its frustrating and confusing. Because its all cerebral, intellectual right now, its not very organic or feely how I am. And its somewhat ironic since I wrote last month about this very thing. I've been thinking about printing that out and bringing it... its all I dont want to lose control, really when I'm all feely I dont feel in control, i've got mood swings and a temper and thats all nicely under wraps at the moment, for the most part. Except for those occasional days alone at home where I let it tip over and I cry, which still is rare anyway.

Also today is my last day of being unemployed, after 215 days I start a new job on Monday. I'm somewhat anxious about it but not too bad, I kind of want to get it over with already so I know what its like.

Anyway about the feeliness or lack thereof, I was thinking maybe music could help. Like those songs that I listen to that have meaning, the ones that I used to be able to react to and still can occasionally, but still as with crying rarely.

I'm also hoping that putting this all together will get it out of my mind so I can fall asleep this time.. What else is rattling around? I finished BSG, after a year break from season 1 to the rest of the series, I really like it and I'm somewhat bummed that I didn't have syfy on my cable package when it first came out but marathon watching it in masse may have been better, dunno, anyway I like it. I watched Caprica too, it took forever to find its way, but it did in the last 3 episodes, unfortunately that show was cancelled. So just one season, the teasing in the season/series finale and whatever morsels you can find online about the arc for season 2. Also perhaps having watched these things lately and catching Extant (yawn) I'm wondering about the reality of cylons, artificial intelligence etc, its seeming more tangible. I'm not talking skin jobs or anything, though thats basically extant's stand, but fully mechanical. Anyway its scary, interesting and creepy all at the same time, but i'm curious and interested, you know me.

Trinity cracked a nail, she's kujo about getting her nails clipped, I've gotten one nail done since her vet's appointment back in February, she needs them cut. When I take her in (hopefully some weekend after I receive a first paycheck or two) I'm going to agree to let them tranquilize her so they can get her nails set up correctly. I made a doggie emery board this weekend for maintenance I"m hoping thats going to work, we did a trial run and it seems like it will work, which is great!

There are 29 hours until I start my new job, I need to sleep normally or close to normally tomorrow night. I bought some neuro sleep I'm hoping that'll help some. It has before. Now to try to sleep again now... wish me luck!

Life without a parachute or a net, whichever analogy you want to believe

When I cant sleep, its generally because I'm thinking, and thinking and thinking... Sometimes I think something and I'll say to myself, this is good... like insightful, something others may like... and then I realize that generally I lack the ability to adequately articulate my thoughts and convey them to others in a meaningful way...

I'm just basically stream of consciousness writing right now because I cant sleep, you probably guessed that by the hour I published this but in case not, yeah its because I cant sleep....

Several things rattling around my brain lately, first I really wish everyone would have never lied to me in the first place, I'm quite obviously not what anyone is looking for in an employee.. I don't even want to have a glimmer of hope for anything that is in the potential column right now, i think it defeats the inevitable... that i'm not going to have a job and either i have to do something on my own or just quit everything and yes i mean everything... though strangely enough i really don't feel strongly either way about that, and frankly I've lacked very strong emotions about anything for quite some time... I've also been thinking that, because occasionally the Peanuts song gets stuck in my head that Happiness is really unequivocally not the same thing as enjoyment... I can enjoy things to varying degrees but happy, yeah that's something that I cannot recall happening in forever... occasionally i do wish it were as easy as ice cream, finding a skate key and telling the time, but no... it isn't

Consider what I am.. and if you can define me please let me know because I don't.

My current impediment to going it on my own is my in my headness about my abilities, and the few clients i've had i'm kind of appalled by their previous designer/developers insofar that simple things were apparently huge undertakings, like things that'd take less than a minute to do, then another couple to test out... I wonder if my ability is really better than theirs or not... I kind of judge ability by how innate it is... meaning I by no means think of myself as an expert in anything that isn't second nature to me... if I have to think about it, I'm only so good at it... ya know?

Another thing, I watched an episode of Leverage the other day, one I've seen before but it struck the same chord with me it did the first time. Parker needed to find her passion, because why I forget but Spencer's was cooking, and Nate explained it as its what makes him feel good essentially... and the closing scene Parker's smiling as she's stealing something, she is 'the theif' after all, so apparently thievery is her passion... and why am i saying this because I don't have one, i have interests but nothing i'm passionate about, really zilch, apparently I'm defective in some way

Also my group has brought this up a few times if i'm already or becoming agoraphobic... now I know I'm not in any way a social being but I don't know that agoraphobic is right, going out isn't all that anxiety inducing its just, i don't care to... and i was asked if i was afraid of people judging me and as i thought about it i don't think that's it... i just don't want to be bothered, or bother them... if i'm not welcome well why would i go? ya know and i'm getting that from 35 years of history of not really being welcome, and being the afterthought and oh yeah she's here maybe if we ignore  her she wont notice... ya know what i'm saying

I've also thought a few times about giving this blog address to my group so I could illustrate in some way to them that I am someone who feels, i just dont express it outwardly, not that I think they don't think I feel its just I know I dont express so so I'm somewhat unsure of what exactly they think...

And also I go on facebook so 95% (thereabouts) of my graduating class is on there and connected to me... there are people who I liked at one point or another, or were friends with or not maybe just acquaintances... but what I find kind of amazing is the civility and even support given amongst all of us. In a way I find it admirable that the people who were less than nice to me are now great and some extraordinary adults.. kids grow up, and they view the world as adults with all the experience of their years... and the one thing I think I'm not pessimistic or even pragmatic about is that I do believe people can continually learn and become better for that education... The people who ignored me, though, or so I thought, I'm not entirely sure anymore, they were in some ways worse than the ones who were nasty to my face, dismissal for me, hurts more, and maybe that's true for everyone...

I'm no sleepier now that I've typed all this up and gotten these thoughts down than I was when I started 20mins ago but perhaps now that they're out of my head and soon to be out in the wild I'll fall asleep...

......

I'm starting to be convinced nobody is ever going to hire me ever again... I didn't get either of the jobs where I felt the interviews went really well... apparently I can't read people...

And the new contestant is...

Wellbutrin... yes folks, I'm back on meds. Also took a nap earlier (accidentally a 3 hour one) and couldn't fall asleep, who'da thought that'd happen.

So now awake but I'm updating you

Cruel is the Sandman

I can't sleep, frankly I'm not tired right now, though most of the day I was. I've had sleep problems for the past month... my sleep is totally jacked up and the insomnia monster is making it super difficult. How can one be tired nearly all day and when its time to sleep, when you get the tiny inkling of bedtime and you lie down do you wake up. Its so annoying, yet its just it is.

If you hadn't guessed I'm in a funky kind of depression. I don't know how to describe it, its sheer and total apathy but its not even, its more nothing. I kind of wish it were something, like the deep dark depression that envelops you so you sleep all the time... or even the crazy racing thoughts make you feel like you're losing your mind depression... or anything. I have an interview at 2pm today, thankfully its a phone interview but I don't even care about it... I have a followup interview on Thursday, yeah not really caring about that either. I think that even if I got a job I couldn't even be happy about it.

depressiontest.com -- haha ot aha? eh

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High-Moderate
Dysthymia:	Very High
Bipolar Disorder:	Slight
Cyclothymia:	Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Ambition Lost...

Since last week, thurs/friday i've lost all ambition to do anything. Do my own freelance thing, do the look for a job thing. I dont even think if the place i interviewed ever actually gets back to me and hired me it'd make me happy... i'm not sure it'd make me anything

winter.. continues...

yes winter is never ending this year.... i've been employed all winter... and i am starting to feel as though people are lying to me, the people who've said you'll have no trouble, your employable, you're hirable... its starting to feel like lies

i spoke with a recruiter... told him why i got fired and he's like that doesnt sound right... but thats what happened...

i just want to crawl in a hole and hide

tired

today has not been a good day... hearing that will got that job over me, i'm so upset.. and i feel bad about being upset because he needs it... but i wanted it... he said he took it because it came first, its not ideal for him but hey... so and ugh...

why? i dont understand, i really dont... i've never actually not gotten a job i wanted and interviewed for... i've not gotten jobs i've been on the fence about but not really wanting but being okay if i didnt get it... this job, i wanted.. i have other feelers out and agencies, but this job and its location was/would have been ideal...

you cant always get what you want right?

You know what else? he said well maybe you were just destined to move down to where your sister is... really not the right thing to say

Time moves so slow

Time is moving excruciatingly slow... and I'm not one for patience.... didnt get the job I interviewed for.... will did though... and i'm upset about that... but glad he did, he needed it more than I... I don't understand... recruiter gave me some BS about not being able to pull the trigger.. but they're interested... why do people lie? because it was obviously a lie since will got an offer and starts the 27th... i bet one of the other 3 people who interviewed got whatever the other position was that was open... i suck :(