vacation?

i really need a vacation and some relaxation but i am unable to do so... taking a vacation alone just reminds me that i'm alone, going to see my family well, when is that ever really a vacation.. so i'm just continuing how it goes

...

there are days when i wish i was capable of trusting people enough to form legitimate friendships anymore, but i'm not so sure thats possible at this juncture... i have to weigh everything very carefully so as to not hurt other people... i want people to care but i dont want them to misplace their faith or anything so they shouldnt care in the first place, at some point i'll disappoint.. and disappointment hurts whether you know it was coming or not... also i wish i could trust that people would be there for me and help and not judge, but its human nature to judge and once a judgement is made its historically difficult to change in the long run... i wish i had your ambition and faith and trust in others, i just dont... i wish there were someone out there that could be a friend in a genuine manner but i dont think that really exists, not how i'd like it and the sad thing is i know its unrealistic of me but thats how it is...

weekends suck

weekends suck, especially the ones where i'd like a friend around who would kick my ass or at least be around to get me out of the house for a little while :(

had a dream the other night that i got a hug from a friend... then i woke up to my reality... the morning wasnt too terrible but i went upstairs for a shower and my reality is worse up there.. i dont know how i let it get so bad, but i dont know how to fix it... i mean i know but its so hard... i cant ask for help, what would they think? i dont know what to do anymore.. i just i want to do it for myself i got into this mess on my own i should get out of it on my own but its sooo goddamn hard and its soo goddamn bad... i dont understand how i could have let it get so bad, like i know how it happened but i dont really know how i let it happen.. i dont know if that makes much sense really but thats what it is... fuck the dog has destroyed upstairs and the cats have destroyed the kitchen/dining area... i live in the livingroom now.. and yeah i've made some progress in the livingroom but whats that? its so laughable that it could even be called progress.. i dont know if the damn house is salvageable, i dont know if i'm salvageable..

fuck why ... i want to be alone but i hate to be alone... but i'm so good at pushing everyone away so i am alone.. *sigh*

Bleh

I know that I'm mostly hormonally driven right now but damn life sucks. Stupid heavy period, even so much to get on the couch that was lovely yesterday. So I was tired annoyed Crabby so I stayed home, and what did that get me? A ticket for an expired inspection. Today is just bleh blah phooey... :(