Reflection — The OS Realization

Today I finally understood why so much of my life and family dynamics have felt the way they do.

It’s not just personality, not just birth order, not even just genetics. It’s operating systems — intrinsic vs. extrinsic wiring, programmed in those earliest caregiving years.

Gram (and Nama) gave me the same intrinsic, resolution-oriented OS that Dad had. That’s why I always felt bonded to him and to her — and why Mom and Erica’s extrinsic, door-slamming style has always left me hanging.

This framework is so simple, but it explains everything: the family split, the Mahoney vs. D’Ambrosio divide, why journaling/fiction/cleaning calms me, why some fights still burn decades later, even why the cats echo the same dynamics.

For the first time, it all makes sense. Not just “ah, that’s neat,” but deep, bone-level sense — the kind that gives me chills.

vacation?

 so i went to my 4th SPNNJ this weekend; and i barely went ... my day started off late i almost just called it off all together but got my shit together and arrived around 9pm on thursday... Friday i got registered, ended up with a silver ticket and did a manns cave and went to the trailer screening of exes which was fun... saturday i was just EXHAUSTED i literally slept all day i had no energy to get out of bed at all so i didnt and didnt go to SNS either... sunday had a headache... and some other issues and didnt feel better until like 10pm Sunday... so that was my weekend

like i physically didnt feel well and was exhausted but i wonder if that was actual sick or some weird manifestation of anxiety?

nobody noticed i wasnt there, i saw ellen and kara at breakfast at the hotel friday, sunday and today... its weird its also like i dont know if i fit anymore i was so exhausted but was it a manifestation of my lack of desire to go which happens a lot but it didnt not even a little... i wish it had i usually enjoy these.. 

goddamnit

 i'm so annoyed and worried, the person mentioned in the prior post and i decided to work out out issues and we're still in different states so it all made sense but he went to mosque on friday and i havent heard from him since i've decided he got into an accident on the way to/from and is in the hospital? i dunno i'm concerned and i have no way to contact him other than skype and he's now offline so his phone is dead, i'm just hoping he isnt dead... how long do i worry for? see it was never meant to be too improbable

improbability

 the improbability of it all gave me a nagging too good to be true but i wanted to ignore that, i've come to the conclusion i dont think i can. and while it sucks, it was only online but for someone to tick off so many of my boxes was incredible if i'm being honest, but i cant do what he wants, i could try sure, but would it be fulfilling for me? it'd be a nice escape for sure so am i running again like i did 20 years ago maybe? does it matter? its only been a week better now than a year from now right?

updates

 its been a while... i got a job back at TF and started sept 30th... thats basically concluding where we left off right?

but so much has happened, so much and nothing, i'm losing my vision. i have cataracts from steriods, asthma, a rare complication that i was lucky enough to get, and i had surgery scheduled for November but it was cancelled the friday before because i'm too fat... by BMI exceeded the threshold for the facility and anesthesiology cancelled it, i just want my eyes fixed... the new dr i saw doesnt have surgeries avail til April... which is ridiculous i have an appointment with a 3rd doc on 1/6 hopefully she has ealier surgeries available... also i wish i had friends or something i'll have to inconvenience someone twice for surgery unless someone offers to come up which lets face it is unlikely too much hassle for ust me

whats interesting is that this lack of vision quality has pushed me into a new creative outlet writing... now as you know from reading my head to fingers rambling i'm not that sophisticated a writer and lack a lot of contextual world detail most times, but AI helps with that, its amazing honestly.... but a lot of people i know are very anti AI because they feel like its cheating or it stole i understand that but i dont, i dont use it like that... it tell it everything i want and it helps with the storytelling i build everything for it to use to help me, i dont know its so far just 3 dreams and a sexy story i wrote for myself because my sex drive has come back... which may be due to me stopping wellbutrin honestly i even reactivated a dating profile but i cant see so i cant go anywhere so i'm not sure how useful that will be... i do wish it was easier for me to trust but its not but maybe being older with them being older it'll be better? maybe i'll be more frank about it, i mean honesty up front is better right supposedly? 

anyway not going anywhere for the holiday because i dont want to inconvenience anyone with my inability to do much and i find being out in the world bothersome so much more with my eyesight the way it is... i'm not blind mind you, legally blind maybe but i can still see everything is just blurry.. like this text itss all blurry right now as ai type but i know how to type so i'm confident i can do that hence the writing... and yeah i could make the font size bigger and read but i'm pretty sure all the typos and red lines i see are my usual ones and omission of apostrophes in contractions because i'm super lazy about them most times

exhausted

 Its been a while... I was laid off March 1st.... I've been looking i'm now 0 for 4 in the interview dept, 3 of them as a last round interview... I'm so unmotivated to continue to look right now and I have the con next weekend and I'm not wanting to go anymore really... I want to bring Jensen the stuff I wasnt able to for NJ because my printer was out of ink but otherwise I'm not feeling it... and I dont want to be a bummer... 

Krista died in November and its like what a waste I'd swap with her in a heartbeat because she had so much life and so many friend and a loving supportive family that miss her.. why the hell am I still kicking around... 

It'll be 3 months tomorrow, my severance is gone as of this week based on my budgeting and I just I have no active prospects and I'm just not feeling it, not to mention I said I had vacation for NJ for unemployment and thats just stalled everything for some god forsaken reason.... 

I'm just tired

DC 23

 DC Con 2023 was so much, I havent been able to settle on an apt description and I dont think I've fully processed everything either... I'll have to do that... but lets say my mood was super low going into it, and then Friday was meh more or less... then KristaCon happened and I got all teary and I dont get teary.. and I still have to process all that... and Birino and all too, not getting to swing by and say hi to Kim ... its just ... and now i have to deal with real life and get the fan in my heater replaced or it'll be a long cold winter...