DC 23

 DC Con 2023 was so much, I havent been able to settle on an apt description and I dont think I've fully processed everything either... I'll have to do that... but lets say my mood was super low going into it, and then Friday was meh more or less... then KristaCon happened and I got all teary and I dont get teary.. and I still have to process all that... and Birino and all too, not getting to swing by and say hi to Kim ... its just ... and now i have to deal with real life and get the fan in my heater replaced or it'll be a long cold winter... 

today has been weird

 i'm feeling out of sorts, i had a dream last night about gram, but not about gram really about her grandmother and when she was a kid, its so strange, it was a good dream, weird but still it wasnt a bad dream and its like whenever i dream about gram i'm usually out of sorts afterwards... 

and jenny wont let me give her the meds for her eyes, beau scratched an eye and so we have meds, and it seems to have affected both eyes now but i got it in both eyes once and now she's avoiding me like the plague... 

finally got to talk to my director friday and well at least it doesnt look like they're looking to lay me off since he's talking about projects for me into next year... but there is still no place for me to fit.... but he said he's going to reorg the teams in sept so i wont be reporting to whom i'm reporting now and who is really frustrating the hell out of me so just gotta stick it out like i've been doing... i've also taken the position of i'm not looking to do extra right now i'm doing what i have to do and thats it, if i have free time so be it, i dont have the patience for bullshit anymore especially considering how the team has delivered the latest stuff

also spnsf is this weekend and i kind of dont care... i should i think but i dont, i also had a dream about some con maybe sf i dont know it was some new one but same people mostly, and went and got tickets same day i arrived and got a decent set then proceeded to basically not attend and hide in my hotel room... which i dunno seems like something i'd do... i mean momento is next month and i'm not sure i'm up for that either but i'll go i paid and i even got a new camera, upgrade, steal of a deal and i cant even make myself go outside and take some photos, i dont even want to start any new tv its too much work... so i sleep, or play games on my phone while spn is on thats about it.. 

back to no friends, nobody who cares, and thats probably better right? said on the sm that i was taking a step back since i felt like an interloper at chi but like 2 people said anything, so i guess I am except for those two... so much for trying to make friends, and i thought i'd made good strides in NJ, apparently not... i just wish people would like bottom line what exactly it is about me... 

oh and mom shared on fb that peaceful meadows is closing, the owners are auctioning it all off next month... end of an era, like the only reason to go back to visit home... now why would I go... 

thoughts on chi

It's an interesting phenomenon when friendships are tiered. Like friends if certain people aren't there, maybe acquaintances if they are. This weekend felt the most like hs in terms of I can float between groups and be allowed to congregate bit not necessarily be included in what's happening. I dont know maybe its fruitless any way you slice it? I had a good weekend don't get me wrong but it's just lacking something. Anyway just wanted to deposit these thoughts.  

New Years

This is the time of the year for both reflection & looking forward. It's also the time of year that begs the question, for me, regardless of mental state, what the fuck am I still doing here. 

2022 was an interesting year. I finally ventured out of my house again. Went to 4 SPN cons which I enjoyed. Learned that it's ok to spend my money on myself and not just hoard it in savings accounts. Got a new tiny creative outlook which bore over 20 custom minifigs. Lost my dog after what felt like a sudden cancer, then got 2 new kittens. And as a result of the aforementioned cons found a little community in it.

It's also a year that I've been most stable mentally; however stability & good are mutually exclusive. Stability this year has been on the whole sustained apathy towards most things. I still question my continued existence but live with it. Being predominantly solitary & wfh has driven a lot of the stability, the less people physically in my life the better it seems. I mean I got home from a holiday week with the family in TX and basically slept for 2 days to decompress. 

I've been on this planet over 25 years longer than I'd ever imagined. I'm afraid that longevity is part karma for any good I do and part punishment for the lack of emotional impact those good deeds have on me. I enjoy being able to help and brighten someone's day it just has no real impact on me, its all very cerebral 99.9% of the time. I had a physical and despite the fact I'm 5'3 and nearly 400lbs most days I'm healthy; aside from the asthma, eczema and MH issues nothing of note. Hell I went to TX unmasked and didn't catch squat last vaccine I had was last Christmas... I don't feel worth of this kind of luck. I also do find it annoying that as bad as OG covid was it didn't manage to kill me or have any long lasting effects so far. I do think my smell/taste are different but they're not gone. Hey 4 of the 5 senses have an issue that's something right? Nearsighted, hearing loss and now the smell taste? I dunno.

I wonder how much of 22 will sustain through 23. I wonder how much of this ramble is because I've not taken meds for 3 days because im too freaking lazy to get shit from my car/luggage. I wonder if I post this publicly to any degree if anyone will care or sympathize.. or even if they did would I believe them because let's be honest my trust issues are huge... arms length by rule... nobody too close, nobody can get hurt right? 

Well that's the new year thoughts... here comes 23 ready or not huh?