wee hours of Christmas 🎄

So its Christmas & its been another year of covid, and I'm approved to WFH permanently.... my mental health overall hasn't been this stable in umm ever. Not having to interact with people on a daily basis is good for me...

Then again it also means nobody has to interact with me, which is somewhat a double edged sword for a select few I would consider friends. And I'm pretty sure Aubrey no longer is on the short list... it's been a long slow death since my 40th... I surprisingly got a text on my birthday but haven't heard a peep since I texted for hers. She wasn't on the Christmas card list, I think about sending a letter then I think it'd be better for her to leave it alone and let it wither; I don't expect to hear from her again honestly.

I usually like giving gifts & I did but I don't know something was different... I smiled when Erica told me both kids haven't put what I got them down  but I don't know its not the same for some reason. Even the one thank you I got for a Christmas card was like eh... & the thank you for the baby blanket from Brad was more eh than anything... 

We'll see how the day progresses I suppose ... 

thoughts SPN

So as I said I got all caught up on Supernatural before it ended & I've been rewatching & watching some YouTube videos etc. And I'm still mystified by all the destiel let's call them die hards. I did however watch one video that seemed to be sane and mostly jive with how I view that particular relationship. And I thi k the guy said or I'm paraphrasing is that a relationship doesn't hinge upon sex, you can have deep relationships without that. Now the argument of bi-dean is possible but I'd class dean as more open to than searching for. Meaning if the opportunity presented itself he wouldn't say no under correct circumstances but he wouldn't say go out to the bar to pick up a guy. That's my two cents. And for dean to have reciprocated an I love you too at that moment for me would have been monumentally out of character for a person who swallows and buries any emotion or trauma or anything that could make them feel or be vulnerable. Speaking from personal experience here, not a reply that would come easy; given more time and a beat to collect thoughts gauge the sincerity/trustworthiness of the other person would be necessary and that time didn't exist. And true or not the viewer should know the answer; platonic, romantic or otherwise the answer is still yes.

The fandom arguments about a lot of things are passionate but the ones who feel personally attacked I dont understand. I understand why people were outraged at death being the end, how deans death came so quickly and ordinary. But that's what made it all the more real, all the more true and yes all the more painful. Goddamn though he had a beautiful death. 

Now to other things I've just refinished season 12 which contains two of my favorite episode arc/scenes. Regarding Dean the whole bathroom scene & following conversation with Rowena is gut wrenching. More so when you cut the bathroom scene back to just Dean talking to himself. The 2nd being Dean's saving of Mary in her mind. Now THAT scene is heartbreaking when you cut just it together and true on many parallel levels for me personally. I'd encourage cutting them back and viewing them as their own experiences without the other storyline cutting in. So beautiful.

It was COVID

 Its so weird, so weird... like I dont know why I was so anti-hospital except that I dont think had I gone that would have been better in terms of outcome... and its like wow why did I even I have no idea... and my brain seems to take so so long to wake up and be functional I dont know what that is its weird too... its all weird... all of it... 

and its winter

 i'm sick... feels like the usual winter cold but now there's a question. could i have gotten it from the plumbers? my thermometer is broken so i ordered a new one i feel lke i may have a slight fever... my sinuses are sore and the cold today pinched me rigt in the lungs... back to the recommended 2x day dose of advair. gotta cancel the mammogram that i think i scheduled but i didnt get a reminder for.... anyway i tried earlier today & they couldnt so it i gotta call in the morning.... back to sleep for me 4 hours up is  enough

Its 2021

 Couple weeks late for a new years post but whatever. Brief synopsis, waterheater leaking Lowes wants me to GO TO THE STORE to sign the contract wtf? Seriously its a freaking pandemic also what the hell. So I'm gonna have to find a plumber who doenst need me to do that, cars dead anyway, of course because I havent left the house no need to. 

I am slowly shuffling off my duties to the team so I can take on more solutioning work, which is great but also driving me up the fucking wall its like no initiative, no using of their own brains, being curious etc. All the things ugh. 

I've taken up the ukulele; yup. Whats weird is whenever I pick it up I do most of the time anyway I hear Dad telling me I couldnt play the guitar when i was younger because my hands were too small. And yeah but no other offers? I had to choose the flute, which i didnt stick with long at all. Did chorus instead all through JR and SR high. Cant sing anymore my voice is jacked to all hell with the bouts of bronchitis over the years. Also hearing depleting doesnt help either. Speaking of which I was playing the uke just now and I can barely hear it, I mean I was strumming with the flesh of my thumb (opposed to the side of the nail of my index) and seriously can barely hear, though somehow i found that easier to practice chord changes w/o hearing it lol. 

What else? I think I won christmas with the kids, lol they've been playing a game I got them a bunch. Its a spider game i found on amazon where you flip spiders onto a web? I dunno they're both into bugs and stuff so I thought i'd be good for the both of them, which it is. Erica says its lasts 5min at a time but they both like playing :)

Backing another film project on indiegogo that I found its like the 4th or something 5th maybe. Anyway I just did a 2nd contribution for an AP credit, which is cool. I believe in the person spearheading and starring in the project and its concept so I think its a good fit. 

Also on a semi serious note I will continue to ignore the anniversaries of Dad's birthday (12/30) and the upcoming anniversary of his death until I so choose. Like I told Margaret, I thought I might talk to her about it but I decided against opening that can of worms.... maybe I'll be braver later?

Thats the new year post toodles