Perspective perception

 I've been thinking lately and I think I've mentioned it before but I feel like people who encountered the MH system as kids specifically in the 80s have a vastly different experience on the subject. I feel like people who start as adults or even teenagers in some respect have a different experience largely because they more often than not were probably (at least nowadays) the person initiating the contact I remember as a kid being asked 'why i was here' and my standard answer was well my mom brought me. I disliked most of the shrinks i had as a kid, the school psychologist wasn't terrible but as a kid having an appointment with the school psychologist in the middle of the day is weird. Coming in late Thursdays is weird. Having to try to explain these is weird. Its hard to trust maybe that's just me but its also a function of that, like as a kid your drs talk to your parents, that doesn't happen as an adult. There's a measure of self preservation that goes into discussions with shrinks that will be relayed to a parent than one where you go in and know it wont.... Like I know it wont anymore but I still do the self preservation thing... like Margaret asks me what I want to work on and sometimes beforehand I think maybe I could work on this but when it comes to it I never open the dialogue, the can of worms is a specter of chaos that hangs over me. I wish I could make this make sense to other people but I don't think I can.

Reflections...

 Before you get too invested, this is more a reflection of Supernatural than of me, I'll be here but there is another fandom crisis happening and I just need to write...

Wow, Supernatural ended 15 years in a really exceptional way. Do I understand why people are upset, sure but its also in some respects the same reason fans were upset about Arrow and countless others. They wanted *their* ending, something that had preconceived and not let just happen. 

Supernatural for the majority of the last 15 years has been that thing I've really been meaning to do but as the years went by catching up became daunting. It has to have been the oldest member of my Netflix list, I'd catch episodes here and there and always say afterwards damnit go catch up, which I never did, not until Covid allowed me the time to be able to do so. I'm glad I did before the last half of the season aired, and I'm also glad the first half made it to Netflix for me to do so. I've always supported the AFK from the start, I have some of the tshirts/tank tops miscellany. I was always careful to not get the Supernatural focused items, because I didn't want to misrepresent something I hadn't been able to enter yet. I did wear an AKF tank top out a number of years ago and encountered a fan, who wanted to talk to me about the show and how much she loved it but one I am just not social, having a stranger come and try to start a conversation about a show that I hadn't watched but was always meaning to was weird and I also kind of felt at that time like well I cant wear this again look what happened.... I realize now after fully immersing myself that no harm was meant, and that's really how this fandom conducts itself, ready to find others and talk about a show they love. And to her credit when she noticed how uncomfortable I was she quieted down, maybe to her and the fandom's credit as they conduct themselves in a manner that respects others differences and boundaries. 

In hindsight I'm actually kind of glad that it took me so long to watch, I'm not sure how it would have fit in otherwise given all the other drama that goes on in my life. This show does make me think about me and my relationships or lackthereof with my family, my sister specifically in some ways. I am the older sibling of two, we're also basically the same ages as Sam 5/83 & Dean 1/79; me 4/79 and she's 7/82. So we've had the same kind of broader life experience assuming the show has a similar global history to the real world, which given pop culture references I'd say it does. But I'm also jealous of the boys, the bond they share, how much they are friends as much as they are brothers. We don't have that, and that is both my fault and also probably just as much the fault of life & biology. At Dad's funeral earlier this year I realized while talking to her, that she knows me better than I'd given her credit for and frankly it was a bit scary. I also didn't realize how much of my parents time I ate up by just being the screwed up me that I am, she said something to the effect of that there was always some kind of drama with me so they kind of let her be. From my perspective though, she is still the baby and has been doted on and treated as appropriately as any youngest child is. Its also the closest we've ever gotten to talking about the elephant in the room of me moving out and commuting to school from either my Dad's or Grandmothers. My mental health has never really been great, and that dominated my life, still does sometimes. I find myself wondering what I wrote to her 26 years ago in that suicide note. I was meticulous I left personal notes for everyone, except for Chuck and mom was upset by that. Anyway I don't remember what I said, I did always feel like I was sparing her if I left, from my drama, from my bad influence from a lot. I also know that I did try to protect her as much as I could when we were young, because that's what you do as an older sibling. I got called out for it by my grandmother once, that it wasn't my job to protect her but she knew she wouldn't stop me. Its funny what you remember and what you don't. 

Now back to the show, as maybe you've guessed I relate to Dean on many levels. The way he's the older protector, the way he's the shoot first ask questions later and the way he deals with loss and pain, to take it and shove it away and just carry it around. Dean however is much better than I can ever hope to be at letting his brother in and letting him shoulder some of that burden and he's more open with Sam in a general sense of knowing each other. I do still find it odd though that there was never a moment of the 'Bo Duke' method of getting into a car. I know Baby's doors weren't welded shut but c'mon the only song Dean can sing is Good Old Boys? And he loves Daisy Duke, you know he'd have tried to hop into baby at some point. Anyway.... 

The finale worked, it worked really well. As I said in a tweet that it was a peaceful ending reminiscent of the kind of ending Six Feet Under delivered in terms of calm. What I mean by that is neither ending gave everyone what they wanted, but it was true to life in the way it unfolded. Its also one of the lessons in the latter show I mean a show that's titled Six Feet Under and takes place in a mortuary kind of has to. I digress.. One of the reasons the ending was so good was in how Dean died, which is also one of the reasons many people disliked the ending. Am I sad/bummed that Dean died, sure yes! He was my character, but oh what a death he got. And it wasn't how he got his mortal wound, it was how he died. He got to talk to Sam, tell him all the things he always wanted to/should have been saying, tell him he loves him, be conscious be there & leave with closure and at peace. Only people denied that kind of closure can possibly understand what kind of a precious thing that is and how much of a perfect death that was. Dean made it to heaven, the heaven he deserved, the fixed one, the one everyone takes part in and is happy in. Sam continues to live, has a son, Dean and dies with his son there, mirroring Dean's death all those years ago. And finally the Winchesters are united in heaven, riding Baby with everyone they love. That is why the ending was perfect.