you know i look on Facebook and i'm Facebook friends with many people I've encountered along the way, a bulk of them from high school... and i check up/look in, even if they're not friends now but were then... i'm proud of the fact that they're all fully functioning adults with vibrant lives... families, children, adventures etc... and i'm thinking tonight that i'm positive i don't garner any near that kind of admiration or respect from anyone ... my birthday is a somewhat hollow experience each year, i can't even remember the last time i got a cake or anything... i have no fun, i am no fun, i just take up space... this is how it is, year after year after year...
Erica's getting married, mom asks me nearly every time if i'm excited for the wedding... which i'm not, its just something that's happening that i'm obligated to attend in a lot of ways.. and in other ways i'm slightly terrified of leaving trinity at a boarding facility for that weekend... i don't see it as something that i'll have fun at.. i cant recall the last time i had fun, like genuine fun, lasting feeling of it...
and group... i don't know, i.. i'm not sure i want to unlock some things... i don't want to be a sniveling, pandering person... i kind of just want to be left alone... i'm seriously wondering if i can even feel... anything but frustration... happiness is foreign, love is unattainable... what's really in this thing called life for me? independent i may be.. but happy i am not.. cannot tell you if i ever was even... but i'm still unsure if i want to unlock some doors, i'm fairly plateau like in terms of my mood and unlocking any kind of emotion doesn't sound like that'd be a good use of my time.. or if it would even be good, i mean it could jeopardize everything, my job, my life etc... i don't know and i cant sleep why i have no clue... and i'm itchy... been itchy the past few days, really dry skin.. and it rained today so a little less itchy but still itchy... should get this eczema thing looked at... but alas, why? i don't really care... other than itchy its not impeding me in any way.. and i'm still fat... i gain and lose that 30lbs or so every once and a while... but why would i lose, it doesn't really matter, see above...right?
spell check is a strange animal...
