unemployed

so... i was fired on the 11th, i've never NEVER been fired, so it was a bit, a lot, disruptive... 2 weeks before Christmas, going into week 3 now... this time of year sucks for this because nobody has budgets til January, but on the bright side I have an interview on the 2nd i really hope i get it, super close to home, and similar to what i've been doing plus some new stuff to learn..

grumble

so a friend is now suspended at work for helping me out... i'm irritated and annoyed and slightly terrified he may be fired on my account...

twitchy

i'd just like to say the bottom right corner of my right eye has been twitchy today, off and on all day.. its kind of irritating.. that is all

blah

i have a headache, i dislike headaches... i slept nearly all weekend... i am depressed... no cause i can tell just is... and i fail to be able to utilize group... other people's issues are so much more worthy of the group time... i mean there are actual other people in their lives being effected... whereas i'm just me...

truth...

I don't know how to not be depressed.... the degree just varies....

woe is weekend

not really, i'm just kind of blah blad-dah-dee dah... i feel kind of like i'm teetering on the edge.. just waiting for that thing to tip me over... i steady myself and teeter, steady and teeter... fairly precarious, i still i just want to hide

Memorial Day

This past week was relatively relaxing in comparison... able to work the standard 37.5 hours at work and nothing more... no crazy meeting filled days beginning to end... and now its a 3 day weekend which are kind of hard... I've not spoken to a soul since I left work on Friday and not too many then either since nobody was there practically, the new manager took us out to lunch but thats always a little awkward... not too bad though.. and now its 2am i'm going to go to sleep and do nothing tomorrow yet again, was thinking of cleaning the livingroom... what a life i lead... oh no mom called earlier today to say hi and they're hitting yellowstone on the way back to MA... no visit for me though.. ok bedtime

*sigh*

i think i hate my life... not hate, that may be a smidgen too strong but i have a strong distain for it

i think about running away... i look at tiny little houses.... i just want a tiny little house tucked away where nobody has to see me and i dont have to deal with anyone else... i even took a glance at some RVs

i dont know what to do about work, i honestly do not know why people are complaining, and the more i think about it a class from work about dealing with people is not likely to be effective...

*sigh*

rainy days and all days always get me down...

i had a bit of a breakdown at work

some people have apparently complained that i'm not professional, but cannot provide examples, and i'm FED.UP with that shit... like way fed up... i dont know what the hell they want me to do if they cant tell me the problem

and i like my new manager, she seems to get me, which is amazing but after nearly 6 weeks of solid meetings etc it was like enough already

AND this is the best part

people have apparently asked her to join meetings w/o me knowing and when she's said that she didnt notice anything... they said i "completely" changed once she joined

YET I DIDNT KNOW SHE JOINED

WTF

plus my neighbors are jerks, instead of talking to me or whatever, they were mowing the lawn in the front as usual but not the back, i got a notice from the HOA today

Worst part of the day: i cried, while having a meeting with my manager.. and i DO. NOT. CRY :( Best part, she did give me a compliment, she said i was brilliant... that is actually a compliment, dunno felt different than all the your so smarts which seem snide

yesterday i listened to the David Foster Wallace "This is Water" speech, and the full version... and though i feel like i'm completely in the wrong for thinking this... that the people i'm working with who are complaining are doing that in their default setting... i do try to not be a jerk, i am immensely frustrated, and hell some of the people i'm working with are just dense and they dont even realize it, and people seem to be glossing over the fact... there is a passage in the speech that describes frustration one feels when they forgot groceries and have to do that errand after work to eat... me? i grab fast food or i dont i'll go w/o dinner... i'm not worth my own energy to get groceries or a decent dinner... i'm just not and i can still honestly say i cannot remember being happy, ever... and i run the peanuts happiness song in my head and wonder if happiness is just things that make you smile for a fleeting second or two and its not really anything sustainable and i'm not in on the joke...

so..

so its another year gone by... took tomorrow/today off "for my birthday" even though that was on Thursday... my birthday never ceases to illuminate how barren my life is

you know i look on Facebook and i'm Facebook friends with many people I've encountered along the way, a bulk of them from high school... and i check up/look in, even if they're not friends now but were then... i'm proud of the fact that they're all fully functioning adults with vibrant lives... families, children, adventures etc... and i'm thinking tonight that i'm positive i don't garner any near that kind of admiration or respect from anyone ... my birthday is a somewhat hollow experience each year, i can't even remember the last time i got a cake or anything... i have no fun, i am no fun, i just take up space... this is how it is, year after year after year...

Erica's getting married, mom asks me nearly every time if i'm excited for the wedding... which i'm not, its just something that's happening that i'm obligated to attend in a lot of ways.. and in other ways i'm slightly terrified of leaving trinity at a boarding facility for that weekend... i don't see it as something that i'll have fun at.. i cant recall the last time i had fun, like genuine fun, lasting feeling of it...

and group... i don't know, i.. i'm not sure i want to unlock some things... i don't want to be a sniveling, pandering person... i kind of just want to be left alone... i'm seriously wondering if i can even feel... anything but frustration... happiness is foreign, love is unattainable... what's really in this thing called life for me? independent i may be.. but happy i am not.. cannot tell you if i ever was even... but i'm still unsure if i want to unlock some doors, i'm fairly plateau like in terms of my mood and unlocking any kind of emotion doesn't sound like that'd be a good use of my time.. or if it would even be good, i mean it could jeopardize everything, my job, my life etc... i don't know and i cant sleep why i have no clue... and i'm itchy... been itchy the past few days, really dry skin.. and it rained today so a little less itchy but still itchy... should get this eczema thing looked at... but alas, why? i don't really care... other than itchy its not impeding me in any way.. and i'm still fat... i gain and lose that 30lbs or so every once and a while... but why would i lose, it doesn't really matter, see above...right?

spell check is a strange animal...

Boston is My Hometown

I'm from Boston, well south of Boston... but goddamnit what happened on Monday is abhorrent. I know people who were at the race, I know people who experienced the bombs, were close enough to see them go off, people who were close enough to hear them, people who were at the Sox game, people who got diverted at mile 25 of the race, having overcome heartbreak hill and were in the home stretch only to be unable to finish because of these small minded cowardly bastards who set of two bombs at the Boston Marathon.

What the HELL? I've been pissed and kind of in a daze all day, its really surreal to see news footage of places your familiar with being bombed. I mean seriously. And having grown up in Boston, Patriot's Day being a holiday, affectionately also known as Marathon Monday scores of people, young and old watch the marathon on television as well as attend somewhere along the race route. Its heartbreaking to know that children and parents and anyone with watching the live coverage had to witness that.

I'm quite the stoic individual, nothing is wrong, i'm always fine, but I'm not.. rarely am I. But I'm not going to lie I'm a bit shaken and I don't even live in MA/Boston anymore, I live in Pittsburgh. Feeling disconnected and away, difficult to gauge and help. I really do love my hometown and homecity, I don't go and visit but really I don't do that because I'm not sure there are people there to visit. But Boston is culturally unique not like anywhere I've lived its really a camaraderie a brotherly/sisterly city where you bitch, piss, moan, bicker and quarrel but at the end of the day you're all connected, your all Bostonian.

I don't know I'm just venting, but I did, I shed a tear... not at reading all the stories of loss and carnage, but what put me over the edge and broke my stoic little walls was the footage of the Yankee's playing Sweet Caroline. Small gesture, and no I don't think NYers sang with the gusto of the Fenway faithful, but it was a moving one, one that displayed the got your back attitude of most New Englanders in general.

I don't know that I have a point, or a grand lesson or anything really. I just needed to put down my thoughts, because frankly they're going to keep me awake. I'm hoping for a swift and targeted investigation that quickly yeilds the responsible parties and brings them to justice, because as I've seen in many a meme lately, you don't fuck with Boston man, you fucked with the wrong town!