how to say thank you

now among all of the shit matt did something that no living member of my family would ever do, he helped me clean... nobody except my grandmother ever did that and i'm so grateful especially since he said he wanted to help on other cleaning projects and i dont even really know how to thank him because its in my life such a profound gesture

tears

they never come... i'm alone, i'm still alone and lonely... these are the main factors as to why i dont take time off, taking time off just reinforces my isolation and lonliness, and yes its mostly by my own doing but whenever i try i always get disappointed or cancelled on or blown off all together.. i had been feeling okay so i tried and i got burned... and work is just so super stressful right now i cant even stand it.. and i said the other day i felt like matt was being distant, i still kinda think that, he overslept til like 5 yesteray and called apologized and came by for a short visit and dinner, i really needed the company, but he was mia today mostly and i know he's working and busy and as much as he says he's no, he doesnt ... he's got friends and he socializes, i cant even stand how jealous i am that he's got a friend with whom he has a standing get together tuesdays for biggest loser, and i know like intelectually that my emotional craziness is making me weird i cant help it... i want someone to come just sit with me and just keep me company, but i cant ask anyone to subject themselves to my moods... and i'm really feeling bad that matts around because of my moods, i want him to be there and i like him and more so because he is there but i cant help it... i hate when people see me i want them to know me but i just i need to suck it all up and try not to drag them down and i feel like i'm doing a really poor job of that... and now i have wfh and 3 days off... i'm kinda scared it'll  be miserable...

ahh i knew it

i knew i jinxed myself with my last post, what a difference a week makes huh, work has deteriorated to the point i've reposted my resume and i'm going to look, i cant take it, especially with the saturday morning meddling... and i dont know whats going on with matt... he's been distant, at least thats my interpretation :(

Argh fucking people

Slept piss poor, felt like I got hit by a Mack truck yesterday, bus was 15 min late, my laptop is revolting itself once the desktop shows so now I've undocked and I'm trying not connected to the network today sucks ass and its only 9:46am!

Argh!!!

Comfy

I'm going to say it and hope i'm not jinxing myself but i'm feeling good, liking matt, liking the pace with matt... what can i say he makes me smile, i'm such a sap lol sssh dont tell him

and i like/love the little things, kiss goodbye each time we meet, virtual kiss goodnight every night, the cuddles, the fact he brought me his comforter the other night because i was cold proactively when i arrived, that he said i was important to him... i dont know how he still likes me or what i did to deserve him but man, i like it