April 19-25, 1998

April 19-25, 1998

Sunday

well last night was a long night lemme tell you... ugh i dont even know what happened, i just couldnt think or anything and i was soo angry and depressed at the same time and i was crying and nothing was making sense... it was very weird... then sleeping wasnt working well either... i couldnt tell if i was sleeping or if i was just lying there thinking... then i think i dreampt but i dont know... anyways i got up at 3 again, surprized? nah... mom just called seems that she wont be able to pick me up when school ends now... so they may be bringing my car up for me next weekend so i'll have it and stuff... since the overnight parking ban on the street has been lifted... i think im gonna stop by the office of student life and get my story straight and stuff... funny how my moods change and stuff then again ive kind of censored this to not include some mood swings cuz its hard to describe what they're like unless im in the throws of one.... understand?.. anyways if anything happens between now and tonight ill come back... if not ya know

Monday

arrgh its 3am and i cant friggin sleep!!! im wide awake... arrgh... this is sooo annoying and i have to get up and do stuff tomorrow actually i gotta go to the post office and get some things mailed out asap.... grrr... she gave me one thing to work on this week... getting into a regular sleeping pattern... sounds easy doesnt it? grrr fuck i cant even do that!!! ugh... hopefully ill get to sleep soon cuz this is buggin me.... lay in bed for an hour only to not fall asleep what's that all about?? ugh this is soo annoying..
..ok so i didnt go to sleep ... i did some "spring cleaning" on another page... then got took a shower and went and did some errands... ive napped twice today like an hour and half each... its just so.. i dunno its like ill have these little crashes, intense ones, then i'll be ok again, but at the same time it still feels like im crashing just really slowly if that makes any sense... made a good analogy today... ill put it somewhere anyways its that crashing is like when you fall, but when you fall you put your arms out to catch yourself.. crashing is falling but your paralyzed to move your arms to catch yourself....

Tuesday

woah.... almost forgot about today... well sorta... i never went to bed last night... fell asleep for 2hrs today though... although it happened to be the 2hrs my only class was but no biggie... we dont do anything tuesdays anyways... hmmm then what... ive done nothing all day really... i cleaned my room *gasp* hehe... ok i havnt gone to bed yet again, its wednesday already actually... so...

Wednesday

hey its today.. hehe... ok off to class..so today.. classes were ok i guess... bio lab was icky... the stuff the starfish were preserved in irritated my eyes, the fumes that is, so i came back and took a 3hr nap.. now i feel gross... i dunno... im blahish again i suppose... just really frustrated with alot of stuff i guess... oh well, fuck me... at least i'll prolly be able to sleep tonight

Thursday

its been an ok day... feeling alittle crashy still... but mom's bringing up my car saturday so i'll have wheeles again... packed alittle so she can bring some stuff home w/her too... i should clean some more though... got a parking permit n stuff too... oh well... the manic was good while it lasted i suppose... ugh... anyways got a bday gift from pam today... twas cute stuffed monkey w/banana... hehe... yeah i should be happier huh saturdays my bday and im getting my car... too bad im crashing... arrgh!!

Friday

well CHEMISTRY WAS CANCELLED TODAY!!!!!! that is like the only good thing thats happened all day and for that matter all year more or less... just thought i should start off w/somethin good... otherwise today isnt great... had my appointment w/ellen today i rather like the fact that its ok to talk about what urks me and pisses me off about my family rather than having to talk about me... cuz honestly a bullet to the brain right about now would be nice... and im sick too which is good it has the potential to be fatal i do believe if left untreated, well its been untreated for a few weeks now anyways, wonder how long it'll take... i really hope it kills me or gets me to the point where its just soo bad ill kill myself to spare the pain... i have the means etc... oh well tomorrow's my bday big ole 19 cant ya tell how excited i am? *groan* the fam said they'd be here round 11/12 so i gotta be up.... at least i'll have my car n stuff... gonna leave it on the road this week i think stead of the parking lot cuz i have a lab wed at prof's house that needs driving too and since i have a van and the pking lot isnt that close n all... only til wed.. so no biggie... so ill go now... oh another thing they turned the friggin heat back on in here its a sauna!!! im sweating to death... grrrr

Saturday

how come even when i had a good day and had fun etc in the end i still just wanna die? and i really would have appreciated just one person remembering my bday w/o being reminded.... giving dad til tomorrow cuz he had an auction n stuff tonight but still... oh well i have my car at least...