April 19-25, 1998

April 19-25, 1998

Sunday

well last night was a long night lemme tell you... ugh i dont even know what happened, i just couldnt think or anything and i was soo angry and depressed at the same time and i was crying and nothing was making sense... it was very weird... then sleeping wasnt working well either... i couldnt tell if i was sleeping or if i was just lying there thinking... then i think i dreampt but i dont know... anyways i got up at 3 again, surprized? nah... mom just called seems that she wont be able to pick me up when school ends now... so they may be bringing my car up for me next weekend so i'll have it and stuff... since the overnight parking ban on the street has been lifted... i think im gonna stop by the office of student life and get my story straight and stuff... funny how my moods change and stuff then again ive kind of censored this to not include some mood swings cuz its hard to describe what they're like unless im in the throws of one.... understand?.. anyways if anything happens between now and tonight ill come back... if not ya know

Monday

arrgh its 3am and i cant friggin sleep!!! im wide awake... arrgh... this is sooo annoying and i have to get up and do stuff tomorrow actually i gotta go to the post office and get some things mailed out asap.... grrr... she gave me one thing to work on this week... getting into a regular sleeping pattern... sounds easy doesnt it? grrr fuck i cant even do that!!! ugh... hopefully ill get to sleep soon cuz this is buggin me.... lay in bed for an hour only to not fall asleep what's that all about?? ugh this is soo annoying..
..ok so i didnt go to sleep ... i did some "spring cleaning" on another page... then got took a shower and went and did some errands... ive napped twice today like an hour and half each... its just so.. i dunno its like ill have these little crashes, intense ones, then i'll be ok again, but at the same time it still feels like im crashing just really slowly if that makes any sense... made a good analogy today... ill put it somewhere anyways its that crashing is like when you fall, but when you fall you put your arms out to catch yourself.. crashing is falling but your paralyzed to move your arms to catch yourself....

Tuesday

woah.... almost forgot about today... well sorta... i never went to bed last night... fell asleep for 2hrs today though... although it happened to be the 2hrs my only class was but no biggie... we dont do anything tuesdays anyways... hmmm then what... ive done nothing all day really... i cleaned my room *gasp* hehe... ok i havnt gone to bed yet again, its wednesday already actually... so...

Wednesday

hey its today.. hehe... ok off to class..so today.. classes were ok i guess... bio lab was icky... the stuff the starfish were preserved in irritated my eyes, the fumes that is, so i came back and took a 3hr nap.. now i feel gross... i dunno... im blahish again i suppose... just really frustrated with alot of stuff i guess... oh well, fuck me... at least i'll prolly be able to sleep tonight

Thursday

its been an ok day... feeling alittle crashy still... but mom's bringing up my car saturday so i'll have wheeles again... packed alittle so she can bring some stuff home w/her too... i should clean some more though... got a parking permit n stuff too... oh well... the manic was good while it lasted i suppose... ugh... anyways got a bday gift from pam today... twas cute stuffed monkey w/banana... hehe... yeah i should be happier huh saturdays my bday and im getting my car... too bad im crashing... arrgh!!

Friday

well CHEMISTRY WAS CANCELLED TODAY!!!!!! that is like the only good thing thats happened all day and for that matter all year more or less... just thought i should start off w/somethin good... otherwise today isnt great... had my appointment w/ellen today i rather like the fact that its ok to talk about what urks me and pisses me off about my family rather than having to talk about me... cuz honestly a bullet to the brain right about now would be nice... and im sick too which is good it has the potential to be fatal i do believe if left untreated, well its been untreated for a few weeks now anyways, wonder how long it'll take... i really hope it kills me or gets me to the point where its just soo bad ill kill myself to spare the pain... i have the means etc... oh well tomorrow's my bday big ole 19 cant ya tell how excited i am? *groan* the fam said they'd be here round 11/12 so i gotta be up.... at least i'll have my car n stuff... gonna leave it on the road this week i think stead of the parking lot cuz i have a lab wed at prof's house that needs driving too and since i have a van and the pking lot isnt that close n all... only til wed.. so no biggie... so ill go now... oh another thing they turned the friggin heat back on in here its a sauna!!! im sweating to death... grrrr

Saturday

how come even when i had a good day and had fun etc in the end i still just wanna die? and i really would have appreciated just one person remembering my bday w/o being reminded.... giving dad til tomorrow cuz he had an auction n stuff tonight but still... oh well i have my car at least...

April 12-18, 1998

April 12-18, 1998

Sunday

Well today i worked on this site some more... i woke up around 11am because #1 the tv was left on when i went to sleep at 8am and the sound of bob drilling woke me up... it was just as well, i figured my mom or grandmother would be calling with easter greetings anytime anyways. So basically today i worked on this site... my creative juices are flowing, ive done alot on this site actually this weekend, i finished basically the raves section and started on the rants. And tonight or this morning depending on how you want to look at it i created this section. I dunno i just need something to do.. actually i went to bed at 11:30 and woke up at 3am so this should be the start of monday shouldnt it? oh well im not tired yet.. grrrr... maybe i'll do my nails, they need to be repainted... just which color, i wear two mainly blue or purple.. hmm i think blue.. so this is where i stop.. this was easter sunday didnt do much watched the Road Rules marathon on MTV all day then just kept working on this site... see ya tomorrow.. er today? ;-)

Monday

Well... i didnt go to sleep last night... as you read... went to classes and stuff... well skipped chem lab cuz i had major cramps but that's beside the point... know what i saw today... i saw leaves green leaves... spring is here... funny i hadn't noticed them before... anyways my plan for today cuz i can feel myself coming off of that ok feeling again... getting into the blahs before a crash... so rather than wait for a crash im gonna go see titanic tonight and that should crash me... gotta squeeze laundry in sometime too, finally got quarters for doing it... gotta get down to and find the post office here before weeks end cuz i got a package to mail... and the mailroom here wont mail it... the nerve eh? feel kinda funky like i might wanna eat but if i do it could upset my stomach too... oh well... ill drink some o my crystal light and see if that helps... my life is soo boring so this is prolly good for today... see you tomorrow... if anything amazing happens ill let ya know then, chances of that are slim to none but hey.... just finished watching titanic... hasnt crashed me yet but made me really somber...

Tuesday

Its tuesday... psychology was fun, we pretty much bashed this town which hates the college and its students yet the college is the only thing that keeps this town alive... anyways what did i learn today... and what have i learned all my life that broken friendships cannot be fixed, they cannot be repaired, trying only wastes your breath, its better to just let go leave and not turn back, its safer that way, harder to get hurt, and if you dont try for that closure that is lacking you can't get hurt any further.... best strategy in life is to live it alone without friends, you cant hurt them and they cant hurt you... why do we need friends anyways to affirm the miserable existance that is your life? is it worth it? is life worth it? i dont think so... god happiness eludes me at every corner... i have something some people want, and they ask to borrow it but dont have the curtosy to ask if i may want to watch it with them... and what am i doing this psychologis thing for really? i was asking myself that, am i doing it so i can be alive to go home to a family whom whenever i'm around them we are at each other's throats... and go home to empty nights and empty days because all of the friends that i had or thought i had either said fuck her or i was the one to say fuck them? did i deserve the people who just left and never returned? did i deserve it? what did i do, i didnt think i was such an awful person... oh if i could just curl up and die

Wednesday

Its amazing how a day can turn around sometimes... I skipped biology this morning because i had a calc test and had the worst time falling asleep... i had a really bad night... i seriously considered taking those pills i have... but i didnt, yet i didnt fall asleep until around 5am... so i slept til calc... took my exam, wasnt too too bad... then went to my most favorite *gag* class chemistry played calculator tetris... so it wasnt a total waste of time... then and this is the amazing part i sat with friends at lunch... they came over and got be from 'my' table where i usually sit alone and told me to come sit with them... then bio lab.. it was fun.. always is, especially when a dissection or dissections as the case was, are the lab... although i absolutely refused to dissect the grasshopper... gross... so i didnt... spent like 45min on a crayfish though it was fun... other than that ya know... basically took apart the crayfish on my own ya know not following the directions and just poking around... you learn more that way... so i guess dispite the suicidal beginnings today's been a good day, so far anyways... its only 3:30.. well i slept from 3:30 to around 8... just fell asleep, weird... so nothing much to tell... i still dont know about this second psychologist's appointment i have tomorrow... we'll see how it goes i suppose... just well i never liked it and still dont...

Thursday

well... today has actually been a good day... just kind of one of those lazy days ya know? but overall good feel to it... got my housing for next year done good room well first of the floors :) so thats a plus, makes moving in easier... and i applied for parking so i can get a job next semester... did the psychologist appointment again, its still weird but she talked to karen and i think karen filled her in some.. their request of me is going to be to make a real commitment to therapy this time around.. i still dunno, i want to but i dont know if i can, if that makes sense.. i suppose i can try, ellen (new chick) said karen agreed to see me this summer... so i guess that makes it ok.. but ya know i still dunno... ya know what i get offended when people say my childhood sucked and my parents are assholes, i do... i dont know i do ill defend them but then again i suppose it doesnt make sense why i do... oh well ellen said my goal for the week is to get into a better sleeping habit, routine... argh.. oh well..

Friday

well today's been good... got my calc test back... got an A-/B+ so im happy.... failed chem test... now im just ya know vegging.... lost a friend yesterday, i fucking hate that... i cant keep a friend why bother with them? in the end they all go away anyways... should i even bother anymore with it? are friends worth it? i dunno... well im gonna lounge the rest of today n stuff....

Saturday

well i gained that friend back... and i dont know its a good thing and all but its not the same yet i recognize and accept the fact that you can never go back and all.... anyways today is saturday.... its dreary out well just more dead out, campus is a virtual ghost town due to the long weekend... i just feel so empty today... like im here, i exist yet there is a huge something missing... and i dunno i wish i could just one, be normal and all that goes with it... or just die... because life seriously has lost everything for me, i am going to fail classes this semester im not passing them, im failing one outright, chem i may sqeeze by but its not likely, and you know i hate that yet its futile to try and change it... then going home for the summer thrown back with people who i dont get along with and vice versa and going back for the summer to nothing, no friends a job that isnt what it used to be, remodeled store new employees seems everything is gone ... everything is gone... feels like im just waiting for that one last thing to be knocked out from under me... i want to cry but have no tears

April 5-11, 1998

April 5-11, 1998

Sunday

Writing this looking back on last sunday it seems like ages ago. Last sunday I was really bad, i didn't want to get out of bed, in fact i slept the majority of the day. I was debating whether or not i wanted to go on like this. Did i want to live and have everything feel empty and me feel like i had no hopes, no dreams, no aspirations and no future? I was tired of life and really just wanted to die in my sleep because i didn't have the energy to kill myself. It came down to I die or I make an honest attempt at getting help. I still just wanted to sleep thats all, just sleep. Sleep was and probably will always be my main refuge when i'm depressed.

Monday

Monday is really a blur for the most part. I did what i do every Monday, got up for my 8am class came back to the dorm after it, then went to my 10 & 11 o'clock classes, stopped by the mailroom on my way to lunch, ate lunch, came back to the dorm watched my soap, then killed another hour and went to my 2o'clock chemistry lab. That lab wasn't fun lemme tell you. First of all the experiment didnt work properly the first week around and the prof had ruined one of the attempts at correcting what was wrong with the experiment itself and i'd just left. So i had to essentially do the whole experiment again. Came back to the dorm and watched General Hospital.. chatted on the computer for alittle while.. took a few naps.. skipped what has become customary to skip my composition class.. i give no excuses for not going i just give this reason. My depression had gotten so bad that i couldn't write, i'd sit down to the computer fully intending to do it and there was nothing, some call it a block i call it i had no motivation to do it and just plain couldn't do it. So i became what is 8 essays behind and i decided that since i'm beyond redemption in that class i'm not going to go, im not going to give excuses or reasons, i'll just take a failing grade. Then went to bed.. couldn't sleep just lay there and thought for a good 2/3hrs before i got up.. I was thinking that i didnt know what it was like to be happy and i couldn't remember and if i couldn't die i had to do something about it. There were people who cared i knew that but i still didnt want to do anything at all not live not die, just sleep. Anyways upon coming to the conclusion that these past 2years i'd not gone to any sort of therapy all that had happened was my depression gradually worsened each time it came back. I called my psychologist from home that i'd had and liked at 4am and left a message with her anwsering service to call me back.

Tuesday

My psychologist woke me up by returning my call at 9am, i think i worried her... i dunno... anyways she told me that i needed to go see a body, a person, and to call the counseling center here at school. I didn't want to and she was going to call me back later that day after my psychology class. Well i didn't go to psychology i went back to sleep until like 5pm. Sleep was still my refuge. I chatted on the computer when i woke up for a little while. My psychologist called back around 8ish and made me contract for safety and all that good stuff. Promised i'd call the counseling center and set up an appointment by friday. Then i pretty much went back to the napping/computer/tv thing the rest of the night.

Wednesday

I didn't go to class on wednesday. I continued the napping/computer/tv thing, most of the time spent asleep. I dont really know why, i guess i just couldn't stand it anylonger. I called the counseling center and set up an appointment for thursday at 2, right after my psychology class. Now i didnt want to i had my reservations about the whole deal, starting over, disliking therapy really, it never worked for me before, the school thing, all of it. But i talked with a few friends who convinced me the worst that could happen was i didnt like it and wouldn't go back, one appointment wouldn't hurt me.

Thursday

Slept til like 10min before i had to be at class. Went to class. I woke up feeling alittle ok. I took my quiz, then rushed over to the cafeteria and grabbed lunch then over to my appointment. I filled out their little forms and questionnaires. Well I don't know if i liked it or not. It was ok, it was an hour i was already feeling alittle better when i woke up. Did the hour thing, she told me i was depressed (really using that Ph.D of hers, i coulda told her that) and suggested meds to me. Now i ran the last time meds were suggested. I don't know its like a love/hate thing i guess.. they'd be great if they help but i dont want to lose me, as much as i hate me i am comfortable with me, i know me, and it may seem weird but being depressed sometimes feels normal. Anyways it was your basic first meeting thing, history family that sort of stuff. I signed one of those releases so she and my psych from home could share info. I came back to the dorm, watched General Hospital and finally ate my lunch. Stayed up most of the night just working on odd things i didnt want to sleep and i couldn't sleep so i stayed up.

Friday

Finally fell asleep at 9am and slept til around 3. Woke up and discovered that my favorite thing had arrived in excessive force, you ladies know, my period. Anyways it serves as a good excuse that i can tell myself it was a physical more than psychological reason i skipped classes again. So i got up, threw some clothes on and went to the mailroom because i knew i had a package waiting there for me. Came back to the dorm and opened it, it was the easter package ya know food, candy etc. I cleaned my room alittle. Worked on this site alittle, chatted alittle, watched some tv, basically stayed up all night doing stuff again.

Saturday

Fell asleep finally around 8am and woke up around 1. Worked on a few things... got an essay done from last semester that needed to be edited again, (he's grading it this time). Got alot of stuff done basically, except for the essay's for comp, its just futile to do that. Anyways basically just did stuff. Havn't felt depressed since wednesdayish and i feel kind of ok, like fine, not happy or anything just i can function again mainly.