Saturday, December 21, 2024

updates

 its been a while... i got a job back at TF and started sept 30th... thats basically concluding where we left off right?

but so much has happened, so much and nothing, i'm losing my vision. i have cataracts from steriods, asthma, a rare complication that i was lucky enough to get, and i had surgery scheduled for November but it was cancelled the friday before because i'm too fat... by BMI exceeded the threshold for the facility and anesthesiology cancelled it, i just want my eyes fixed... the new dr i saw doesnt have surgeries avail til April... which is ridiculous i have an appointment with a 3rd doc on 1/6 hopefully she has ealier surgeries available... also i wish i had friends or something i'll have to inconvenience someone twice for surgery unless someone offers to come up which lets face it is unlikely too much hassle for ust me

whats interesting is that this lack of vision quality has pushed me into a new creative outlet writing... now as you know from reading my head to fingers rambling i'm not that sophisticated a writer and lack a lot of contextual world detail most times, but AI helps with that, its amazing honestly.... but a lot of people i know are very anti AI because they feel like its cheating or it stole i understand that but i dont, i dont use it like that... it tell it everything i want and it helps with the storytelling i build everything for it to use to help me, i dont know its so far just 3 dreams and a sexy story i wrote for myself because my sex drive has come back... which may be due to me stopping wellbutrin honestly i even reactivated a dating profile but i cant see so i cant go anywhere so i'm not sure how useful that will be... i do wish it was easier for me to trust but its not but maybe being older with them being older it'll be better? maybe i'll be more frank about it, i mean honesty up front is better right supposedly? 


anyway not going anywhere for the holiday because i dont want to inconvenience anyone with my inability to do much and i find being out in the world bothersome so much more with my eyesight the way it is... i'm not blind mind you, legally blind maybe but i can still see everything is just blurry.. like this text itss all blurry right now as ai type but i know how to type so i'm confident i can do that hence the writing... and yeah i could make the font size bigger and read but i'm pretty sure all the typos and red lines i see are my usual ones and omission of apostrophes in contractions because i'm super lazy about them most times



Friday, May 31, 2024

exhausted

 Its been a while... I was laid off March 1st.... I've been looking i'm now 0 for 4 in the interview dept, 3 of them as a last round interview... I'm so unmotivated to continue to look right now and I have the con next weekend and I'm not wanting to go anymore really... I want to bring Jensen the stuff I wasnt able to for NJ because my printer was out of ink but otherwise I'm not feeling it... and I dont want to be a bummer... 


Krista died in November and its like what a waste I'd swap with her in a heartbeat because she had so much life and so many friend and a loving supportive family that miss her.. why the hell am I still kicking around... 

It'll be 3 months tomorrow, my severance is gone as of this week based on my budgeting and I just I have no active prospects and I'm just not feeling it, not to mention I said I had vacation for NJ for unemployment and thats just stalled everything for some god forsaken reason.... 

I'm just tired