This is the time of the year for both reflection & looking forward. It's also the time of year that begs the question, for me, regardless of mental state, what the fuck am I still doing here.
2022 was an interesting year. I finally ventured out of my house again. Went to 4 SPN cons which I enjoyed. Learned that it's ok to spend my money on myself and not just hoard it in savings accounts. Got a new tiny creative outlook which bore over 20 custom minifigs. Lost my dog after what felt like a sudden cancer, then got 2 new kittens. And as a result of the aforementioned cons found a little community in it.
It's also a year that I've been most stable mentally; however stability & good are mutually exclusive. Stability this year has been on the whole sustained apathy towards most things. I still question my continued existence but live with it. Being predominantly solitary & wfh has driven a lot of the stability, the less people physically in my life the better it seems. I mean I got home from a holiday week with the family in TX and basically slept for 2 days to decompress.
I've been on this planet over 25 years longer than I'd ever imagined. I'm afraid that longevity is part karma for any good I do and part punishment for the lack of emotional impact those good deeds have on me. I enjoy being able to help and brighten someone's day it just has no real impact on me, its all very cerebral 99.9% of the time. I had a physical and despite the fact I'm 5'3 and nearly 400lbs most days I'm healthy; aside from the asthma, eczema and MH issues nothing of note. Hell I went to TX unmasked and didn't catch squat last vaccine I had was last Christmas... I don't feel worth of this kind of luck. I also do find it annoying that as bad as OG covid was it didn't manage to kill me or have any long lasting effects so far. I do think my smell/taste are different but they're not gone. Hey 4 of the 5 senses have an issue that's something right? Nearsighted, hearing loss and now the smell taste? I dunno.
I wonder how much of 22 will sustain through 23. I wonder how much of this ramble is because I've not taken meds for 3 days because im too freaking lazy to get shit from my car/luggage. I wonder if I post this publicly to any degree if anyone will care or sympathize.. or even if they did would I believe them because let's be honest my trust issues are huge... arms length by rule... nobody too close, nobody can get hurt right?
Well that's the new year thoughts... here comes 23 ready or not huh?
