so last night/yesterday was my 25th HS reunion, to which I did not attend... there are a few reasons for that, first going back to MA to see a bunch of people with whom I don't really know where I stand is awkward with no other reason to go back... I'm awkward at party situations anyway... and i have two new kittens whom I'd not want to leave right now, i have to leave them for christmas as it is ...
So reunion pictures were posted, looks like a good time was had... one thing i noticed; there was a memorial table for classmates who have died, i knew about Mike.... but I didn't know about Kim... Kim in HS was well you could almost have said she was a mean girl? at least to me, always seem to have given me a bad look.... anyway she died of cancer last year.... and i did a google search to see what happened and she apparently got into spirituality and spiritual coaching and had a yt and things... and she had a gofundme, and other things.... she basically refused chemo etc for spiritual healing not wanting to put poisons in her body etc... but what struck me about one of the things she posted was more or less you get back what you put out in the world and she seemed to have felt that her cancer was that coming to fruition... now i dont think you can really count what you do in highschool to your life karma points lets say... Kim didnt deserve cancer, nobody deserves cancer...
now i'm going to say something that may seem odd considering what I just said, now i know should I ever get a diagnosis like that I dont think I'd persue conventional treatments, because frankly I dont know that furtherance of my existence is not necessary in the grand scheme of things... i dont have people like i used to, i work and live alone at home, i can go months without leaving my house if i wanted; its just not like there would be people who would necessarily care, not care thats not the word I know people would care but I'm not a fixture in anyones life right now on any continuous basis that i would be missed you know? thats frankly been my position for a LONG TIME
I'm more and more amazed at my own longevity considering everything, I mean there are plenty of people more deserving of this life, the relative comfort of my life, the privilege of my life so much more than me... thinking of those who died recently Dan is one of those people, he touched tons of people had a family he was a present part of, a kid who not doesnt have a father... who am I to be using up worldly space instead of him? I went to 4 cons this year, and I had a good time... and I somewhat disappointingly did not contract COVID again... others did, i havent, why? why didnt it kill me in the first place, i mean it very well could have... i mean the extent of my self preservation in that time was just to not go to the hospital (of which based on my pulseox I probably would have) because if i went in and i caught like pnemonia I'd have been more miserable, especially if i lived, i mean ugh... and the dog was still here and everything....
and you know how i said kittens i have 2 twix needed friends and well i guess i needed them too... i dont think too much about trinity, which is awful but i dont want to think about it, if i dont think about things they cant effect me, see how much of a cold hearted bitch I am?
ok i should probably try to sleep again... i just had to out thoughts on kim and life in general
