Its another long weekend

So right now is about the middle of the memorial day long weekend... just watched logan...the leak in the garage is seeping at a new joint... and HVFF London is happening... oh and i feel like crap

Monday I think there was, no there was talk about relationships, having them not having them.... now its like the scientific method, you try things and if they dont work the hypothesis was wrong, you move on, or you abandon the experiment... i dont have friends, i dont make friends... i'm not sure i deserve friends.... my house is an unmitigated disaster waiting to happen, or happening or something along those lines... i thought about the leak earlier today and i dont want someone to come fix it because and its weird, i feel like i'm in trouble, like i did something wrong... thats insane right? whatever and mom noted today that i'll be there in july, and i have bought tickets and gotten trintiy scheduled at the kennel.... oh and erica's pregnant again.... seriously though it'd be better for them if i died before they knew me right?

you know there's days when i'd like someone, and then i realize i dont even know how... i dont know if i can, probably not... i dont know how to lean on people, not really and wouldnt that be somewhat required... its like i cant get complacent because nothing is sure, sure as hell relationships arent .... i do just wish i could fade away... and its like it hit me today all this shit... maybe its the fact i know its a long weekend and i wont see anyone or talk to anyone or interact with anyone... and i want to be looking forward to HVFF in Sept and Code8 starting filming next week and the premiere and everything and i just cant seem to muster any enthusiasm for it... oh and another thing i made a comment at group that i'd previously been dx'd as bipolar, Margarets reaction was i've never seen you manic... and its its kind of like she was incredulous about it.. i dont know i'm not bringing it up again, hopefully nobody else will either.... though as aubrey says i probably was manic last year god knows i had a zillion projects/crafts going on at once and reading and i just couldnt not do anything.... i suppose it was normal to people because my baseline is basically this, possibly a bit more even than at this very moment but still that ambivalent equilibrium kind of thing that i've basically settled into...