Life without a parachute or a net, whichever analogy you want to believe

When I cant sleep, its generally because I'm thinking, and thinking and thinking... Sometimes I think something and I'll say to myself, this is good... like insightful, something others may like... and then I realize that generally I lack the ability to adequately articulate my thoughts and convey them to others in a meaningful way...

I'm just basically stream of consciousness writing right now because I cant sleep, you probably guessed that by the hour I published this but in case not, yeah its because I cant sleep....

Several things rattling around my brain lately, first I really wish everyone would have never lied to me in the first place, I'm quite obviously not what anyone is looking for in an employee.. I don't even want to have a glimmer of hope for anything that is in the potential column right now, i think it defeats the inevitable... that i'm not going to have a job and either i have to do something on my own or just quit everything and yes i mean everything... though strangely enough i really don't feel strongly either way about that, and frankly I've lacked very strong emotions about anything for quite some time... I've also been thinking that, because occasionally the Peanuts song gets stuck in my head that Happiness is really unequivocally not the same thing as enjoyment... I can enjoy things to varying degrees but happy, yeah that's something that I cannot recall happening in forever... occasionally i do wish it were as easy as ice cream, finding a skate key and telling the time, but no... it isn't

Consider what I am.. and if you can define me please let me know because I don't.

My current impediment to going it on my own is my in my headness about my abilities, and the few clients i've had i'm kind of appalled by their previous designer/developers insofar that simple things were apparently huge undertakings, like things that'd take less than a minute to do, then another couple to test out... I wonder if my ability is really better than theirs or not... I kind of judge ability by how innate it is... meaning I by no means think of myself as an expert in anything that isn't second nature to me... if I have to think about it, I'm only so good at it... ya know?

Another thing, I watched an episode of Leverage the other day, one I've seen before but it struck the same chord with me it did the first time. Parker needed to find her passion, because why I forget but Spencer's was cooking, and Nate explained it as its what makes him feel good essentially... and the closing scene Parker's smiling as she's stealing something, she is 'the theif' after all, so apparently thievery is her passion... and why am i saying this because I don't have one, i have interests but nothing i'm passionate about, really zilch, apparently I'm defective in some way

Also my group has brought this up a few times if i'm already or becoming agoraphobic... now I know I'm not in any way a social being but I don't know that agoraphobic is right, going out isn't all that anxiety inducing its just, i don't care to... and i was asked if i was afraid of people judging me and as i thought about it i don't think that's it... i just don't want to be bothered, or bother them... if i'm not welcome well why would i go? ya know and i'm getting that from 35 years of history of not really being welcome, and being the afterthought and oh yeah she's here maybe if we ignore  her she wont notice... ya know what i'm saying

I've also thought a few times about giving this blog address to my group so I could illustrate in some way to them that I am someone who feels, i just dont express it outwardly, not that I think they don't think I feel its just I know I dont express so so I'm somewhat unsure of what exactly they think...

And also I go on facebook so 95% (thereabouts) of my graduating class is on there and connected to me... there are people who I liked at one point or another, or were friends with or not maybe just acquaintances... but what I find kind of amazing is the civility and even support given amongst all of us. In a way I find it admirable that the people who were less than nice to me are now great and some extraordinary adults.. kids grow up, and they view the world as adults with all the experience of their years... and the one thing I think I'm not pessimistic or even pragmatic about is that I do believe people can continually learn and become better for that education... The people who ignored me, though, or so I thought, I'm not entirely sure anymore, they were in some ways worse than the ones who were nasty to my face, dismissal for me, hurts more, and maybe that's true for everyone...

I'm no sleepier now that I've typed all this up and gotten these thoughts down than I was when I started 20mins ago but perhaps now that they're out of my head and soon to be out in the wild I'll fall asleep...

......

I'm starting to be convinced nobody is ever going to hire me ever again... I didn't get either of the jobs where I felt the interviews went really well... apparently I can't read people...