Memorial Day

This past week was relatively relaxing in comparison... able to work the standard 37.5 hours at work and nothing more... no crazy meeting filled days beginning to end... and now its a 3 day weekend which are kind of hard... I've not spoken to a soul since I left work on Friday and not too many then either since nobody was there practically, the new manager took us out to lunch but thats always a little awkward... not too bad though.. and now its 2am i'm going to go to sleep and do nothing tomorrow yet again, was thinking of cleaning the livingroom... what a life i lead... oh no mom called earlier today to say hi and they're hitting yellowstone on the way back to MA... no visit for me though.. ok bedtime

*sigh*

i think i hate my life... not hate, that may be a smidgen too strong but i have a strong distain for it

i think about running away... i look at tiny little houses.... i just want a tiny little house tucked away where nobody has to see me and i dont have to deal with anyone else... i even took a glance at some RVs

i dont know what to do about work, i honestly do not know why people are complaining, and the more i think about it a class from work about dealing with people is not likely to be effective...

*sigh*

rainy days and all days always get me down...

i had a bit of a breakdown at work

some people have apparently complained that i'm not professional, but cannot provide examples, and i'm FED.UP with that shit... like way fed up... i dont know what the hell they want me to do if they cant tell me the problem

and i like my new manager, she seems to get me, which is amazing but after nearly 6 weeks of solid meetings etc it was like enough already

AND this is the best part

people have apparently asked her to join meetings w/o me knowing and when she's said that she didnt notice anything... they said i "completely" changed once she joined

YET I DIDNT KNOW SHE JOINED

WTF

plus my neighbors are jerks, instead of talking to me or whatever, they were mowing the lawn in the front as usual but not the back, i got a notice from the HOA today

Worst part of the day: i cried, while having a meeting with my manager.. and i DO. NOT. CRY :( Best part, she did give me a compliment, she said i was brilliant... that is actually a compliment, dunno felt different than all the your so smarts which seem snide

yesterday i listened to the David Foster Wallace "This is Water" speech, and the full version... and though i feel like i'm completely in the wrong for thinking this... that the people i'm working with who are complaining are doing that in their default setting... i do try to not be a jerk, i am immensely frustrated, and hell some of the people i'm working with are just dense and they dont even realize it, and people seem to be glossing over the fact... there is a passage in the speech that describes frustration one feels when they forgot groceries and have to do that errand after work to eat... me? i grab fast food or i dont i'll go w/o dinner... i'm not worth my own energy to get groceries or a decent dinner... i'm just not and i can still honestly say i cannot remember being happy, ever... and i run the peanuts happiness song in my head and wonder if happiness is just things that make you smile for a fleeting second or two and its not really anything sustainable and i'm not in on the joke...